How to be Single During the Holidays

by Kay Winders

The holidays are a great time to be with the people you love. For many people, this means spending time with their husband or wife and their children. For many, it means spending time with their extended family, including those near and far.

For singles, the holidays can be a bittersweet time. It can be both a joyous time and a lonely time. By seeing everyone else with their spouses and their children, you may start dwelling on the fact that you are not with anyone. Add to that the inevitable questions, comments, or outright pressure you may face from family and friends about why you’re still single or just when you’re going to get married or have kids.

It doesn’t have to be this way. There are a few ways that you can get through the holiday season and make it just as fun and joyous not just in spite of your single status, but because of it. Here’s how to be single (and fabulous) at the holidays:

Spend Time with Other Singles

When you spend all your time with families and married couples, you may end up comparing your situation to theirs and feeling worse about your situation than you need to feel. You also might face the inevitable barrage of questions about your single status, which can annoy you and make you feel worse.

Don’t subject yourself to that. Instead, choose to spend the majority of your time around other singles. These are people who can commiserate with you about being single — or celebrate how fabulous it is to be single.

Attend Lots of Parties

Parties aren’t just a great way to celebrate the holiday season — they are also a great way to meet new people and to take your mind off things (like how you’re going to deal with your mother asking you why you still haven’t had a baby). You never know: You also just might meet someone fabulous at one of the parties!

Of course, not all parties are going to lift your spirits. If the invite comes from a married couple with kids, chances are that the other guests will also be married or have kids. Being around a lot of couples may only remind you of your single status — or bring obnoxious questions. Better to stick to parties with other singles, young people, or co-workers.

Host Your Own Party

Don’t wait to be asked to the dance — host your own! Hosting your own party can make you feel fun, popular, and loved — all the things you might not be feeling without a mate at your side during the holidays. Throw your own party and invite all your friends and co-workers. You’ll be too busy kissing under the mistletoe and singing Christmas carols to worry about why you’re single (or if it matters).

Have a Sense of Humor

Instead of getting defensive or angry at the inevitable questions you will get about your single status — “Do you think you’ll ever get married?” “Aren’t you worried it will be too late to have kids?” — adopt a sense of humor about it. Don’t honor the questions with genuine answers. Say things like, “No, I’m too young to get married” (even if you’re 50) or “Oh, man, I forgot that I need to have kids! I better make an appointment to do that next week.”

Of course, you’ll have to temper your humor for your audience. While you do want to deflect questions and make light of the situation, you don’t want to create a holiday rumble at the dinner table.

Remember the Benefits

One of the best ways to get through the holidays when you’re single is to remember all the reasons it’s great to be single. Think about it: You don’t have to argue about whose family you will visit for Christmas dinner. You don’t have to suffer unbearable in-laws. You can sleep in any day you want. You don’t have to put up a Christmas tree or decorations if you don’t want to. You can eat pumpkin pie and eggnog every day for breakfast if you want.

Being single means doing what you want when you want. Remember that and do something fun!

The holidays don’t have to be a lonely time or a dreaded time in which you subject yourself to even more questions about why you’re still not married. Use these tips to get you through the holidays so that it’s a fun and festive time for you, too — single or not.

How do you get through the holidays when you’re single? Share your tips in the comments!

About the Author: Kay Winders is presently the resident writer for www.badcreditloans.org, where she researches the best way for people to pay off their debts without damaging their credit. In her spare time, she enjoys freelance writing, the beach and gardening.

Chasing Cars

By Wendy

“You know what I am? I’m a dog chasing cars. I wouldn’t know what to do with one if I caught it!” ~ The Joker

Greatrnk told me I could write about anything! I could rant about the MPs and their greed but who wants to talk about that? Unrequited love is a universal experience – let’s talk about that.

Did you ever hear about how David and Victoria Beckham first met? She was watching a football game at a pub and noticed him on the pitch. He was watching the Spice Girls perform and she caught his attention, and then a common friend introduced them. That was in 1996. Fast forward, 16 years, four children and life on two continents later. Sigh.

I met a man over the internet. He was giving a commencement speech to the 2012 graduating class of his alma mater. Soon after, I found out about the website and the short-film franchise that he and his friends co-founded and run. And then I met all his other friends, and learned a little bit more about the work that they do. And I felt like I was part of the circle – yes, the new girl, who’s still struggling to keep everyone’s names straight, but nonetheless included. You know, the usual dating sequence.

Then I learned something that should have been obvious from the get-go — I was not the only one going gaga over him. You don’t get to doing awesome things without creating a following – of several million! Somewhere someplace, there’s a 14 year-old girl, or twenty, with several posters of him on her wall. I can see the little pink hearts all over the damn thing. It makes me sick – in a way-to-mess-my-fantasy kind of way. Reality bites. I don’t like it.

In light of this realisation, I’ve started questioning myself and my achievements. He has been out of school for six years. Yes, he may be trying to figure out the future, but it’s a different kind of figuring out. He has six years of watching an experiment flourish. He’s very well-traveled. He’s smart. He’s cultured. Oh and he’s sorta kinda like a big deal (remember, a following of millions). I, on the other hand, just graduated. I’m working as an intern and not even in the industry I hope to be in! I get a modest survivable stipend, but definitely not that kind that allows for travel or cultural activities. I’m still trying to figure out the difference between a side hustle, a 9-5, a hobby and a career. Not to mention how indecisive I am about everything. Oh and I’m sorta kinda like a nobody.

In the beginning I’d used the Victoria/Beckham example to console myself. “You know, all I need is to put my work out there and he’ll find it, fall in love with me, and just like David and Victoria we’ll walk into the sunset. (Yes, if only life was that easily engineered.) And then, even if that happened, what would I do with him? Like I said, he’s brilliant; I’m still discovering my brilliance. He’s established; I’m as established as a dandelion that landed on a fast-flowing river. Really, what would I bring to this relationship?!

Now I have to break up with someone who doesn’t even know I exist because he’s just too good for me. Maybe in some 6 years, I’ll have a better grasp of my life. Maybe then we’ll be perfect together. Right? Argh, bad-fudging-timing!

About the Author: Wendy aka Karendi_ is an otherwise focused young person, she promises. But her mother warned her about the one man who’d cause her to do things that she’d be ashamed of. Maybe this is the one.

Letters

By ascofu

Okay? I am attempting to write another word, there! I have just done it. So, I was busy asking God why my DM (inbox on Twitter, FYI) was not functioning anymore. There used to be times when I would have conversations on end with many a tweep on many things, useless and useful (yes I also talk about useless stuff, don’t let the specks fool you), but of late there was a drought of sorts on the DM front. So, as I was saying, I was ranting about it, then I get a DM from the one and only Greatrnk, who, I guess everyone needs to know, I first thought he was a snob in 2007 ( but I guess that’s just first impressions, he is lucky it did not last, LQTM). He asked me, like the great bloggers before me to write about anything. I tell you that has got to be the hardest thing you can ever tell someone. In your mind you debate whether to write about relationships (which I can comfortably say, I can be a marriage therapist) or about politics in Kenya (where I am so pissed at characters such as the Minister for Medical Services, and his pathetic responses to the plight of the average Joe) or even US politics (not that I am an expert, but me thinks that Donald Trump with his daily tweets about how bad Obama is should have been the GOP candidate).

Well, I guess here goes nothing, right?

2005 is the year in question. I was in Form 4 (please stop calculating my age). Form 4 West is the class I was in. Our class was considered the waste of the school and being a provincial school in Rift Valley Province meant a lot was at a stake. 4pm, February 16^th was a Wednesday. Wednesday was our day for letters to be read at the assembly ground. We would all gather, just before being dismissed to go to our different clubs to have letters read out.

I just heard my name being read out, and I see a few eyes look my way as I go to pick the letter from the Entertainment Prefect. I looked at the stamp, it had been stamped Eldoret. “Eldy, sasa nani ni wa Eldy?” I thought. Then as I am walking back to the end of the line, where the rest of my classmates are, I hear my name being called out again. I hear a few whistles, and I am now getting stares from a few guys, I am not exactly sure whether they are jealous or if it’s just something else. This one has a familiar handwriting; it’s the girl from across. I am smiling on my way back to my friends.

The letter from Eldy gets opened first. Its Ruth. She is the Organizing secretary of YCS in Hill School Eldoret. I met her when we were at the YCS rally (of course I am the CU Organizing Secretary, but Gilbert, the YCS Chairman and my close friend, and I are always in the same events). Ruth is tall, lissome is the word I know better describes her look. She wears specks like me (at first I thought that it was a coincidence, but I think chicks who wear classy specks look hot) and then we are so alike, she is very outspoken (not talkative, there is a big difference, Okay, my OCD is showing) and of course, which boy does not want the girl from Hill School who has the best English accent.

At the rally, we are “put” in the same group (of course because Gilbert and I are organizing guys into groups). Okinyo, Miss Okinyo (as she preferred to be called), the YCS patron comes up to me and says in her high pitched voice, “Wambua, I am glad you came for our rally. I am so lucky to have you around here. Come closer so that I can give you a kiss.” She probably did not exactly say that, but who cares, she is quite a catch, I do not care what guys say about her being the Deputy Principal’s side dish. I digress, so me and Ruth. We presented on behalf of our group of why prostitution is justified in our society. We looked like we were finishing each other’s sentences. We get to Q and A time and we get a boy from our rival school ask, a very stupid question and we (Ruth and I) zima him like the presidential ambitions of Pastor Pius Muiru.

As she leaves, I give her our P. O. Box hoping that she writes back, and well, I am holding the letter in my hands. I am feeling so extremely confident that she even calligraphed hapo juu ya envelope. It’s like me name, only its Chinese. My girl from across is probably delivering the missives from across. Sijui who says what to who in my class, kwanza the dedix to Form Threes won’t even fikia them. Why would we encourage those kids in Form 3 to start hitting on our women? I hope she has written a long letter like Ruth. Its not that I am comparing the two chicks, why would I even do that?. I just want to see if she still scented the letter like she used to when we first met (btw Ruth has scented hers). I scroll quickly down to the end of the letter to see the dedix to me, she put Mariah Carey- We belong Together, Aaliyah- I Miss You and Soledad- Westlife. Si she knows me in and out!

Okay, now which letter should I read first? It matter, you know.

About the Author:Ascofu is in the process of writing a novel and a motivational book to be launched soon. He is a photographer at Higher Heights Pictures, an artist and a businessman all rolled into one. Do read his awesome blog at Ascofu At Work

Phase II

By SamKitots

 

It was hot outside, really hot, when he got in the house that Saturday afternoon the first thing he thought of getting was a tall glass of ice cold water. It was awkward to have a visitor in the house, let alone a girl. This was Kevin’s first time to have someone other than the boys to come over. Sweaty palms and flustered from the walk from the matatu stage to the house, he opened the door and quite gentlemanly let her walk in first, then it hit him she doesn’t know where to leave her shoes and which door led to the sitting room. She stood there awkwardly for about a minute as he undid his laces and showed her to the living room. Open windows decked with blue flowered curtains, a well worn blue sofa set, and a cream-blue patterned carpet the living room was his abode. This was the preamble to a lovely afternoon they had together.

Kevin had been trying for quite a while to woo Suzie. It begun with the fear to talk to her and then they finally started talking as friends, but he was afraid of saying how he felt. The long and short of it was that she felt the same way and still they had a hard time talking about it. Kevin was a simple guy, brought up like most kids in a two family home, his dad came home late every night but somehow he had time to be home on Saturday afternoons and Sunday all day. Kevin doesn’t remember a day when he heard or saw his parents fight but neither does he remember seeing them go out, kiss, or express love in any form, holding hands, hugging, or whispering sweet nothings. They might have as well been brother and sister. Being the first born he didn’t have anyone to tell him how to approach a dating scenario. Getting to this point was purely by guesswork and self-teaching/peer-teaching.

He still remembers how he felt that first day she came over. 13 months later, he is sitting at the table in the small coffee house that they enjoyed visiting. He was quite antsy about this. She had asked that they meet up to “talk”

Suzie walked into the coffee shop and walked around, she didn’t see Kevin, so she reached into her handbag to get her phone and call him to ask him where he was. And just then she saw him. The last two months had been hard for her. She didn’t know how they got here, it had been lovely and rosy until about four months ago and she didn’t know what was causing him to be distant or what was causing her to worry so much.

Suzie was brought up by her single mother and she didn’t know her father. Mum was hard working but life had just dealt her a bad hand, maybe in her next life he will make it much better. Suzie had tried hard to keep pre-concieved notions of men because of her absentee father, she was now getting to the end of herself and just needed to know if Kevin was in for real or if it was all a farce to him. As they talked, she struggled and choked as she searched for the words to express how she felt. The fear, the anxiety, and emotional hole that was growing in her heart. “Will he ever get it?” she asked herself as she listened to her voice drone along.

Kevin was her man, and she didn’t want to lose him, but the time had come for a decision to be made. They had reached a fork in the road and didn’t know how this would pan out. As she finished, Kevin sat there and looked straight in her eyes. She was scared. Opening up wasn’t easy and she was afraid that she had let him in, and this last act of talking about her past was leaving her totally exposed. Now Kevin had two options as he saw it. This is where he realised he had found a friend. He needed to pull up his socks .

Now here’s the thing, he didn’t know how to be the best man for her. Suzie had just expressed her self so well and he didn’t get any of this growing up as a young man into and out of his teens. His dad in as much as he was there, wasn’t the best man at teaching “love languages”. Kevin opted to be equally open. Something that he had never done before. He chose to share equally his fears, he didn’t know how to love her as she expected but all he could do was what he knows and feels is the right way. And thus they entered the second phase of their relationship. It would be months before they had another talk like this, making it a great foundation for them to base their decisions on being together or not.

 

About the Author: SamKitots is a married man. He has known his wife (CateKits) for 9 years, dated for 5 and married for 4. For the past 5 years they have been involved in couples counseling, for both dating and married. They use real life experiences to mentor/counsel those that come their way. Follow @SamKitots for tips on spicing up your relationship to make it last (dating and marriage). Also check out his blog here.

Things I Have Done During the Denial Stage of A Break Up

by ArumtheChamp

 

Denial is one of the most interesting stages of a break-up that involves lots of drama. If you are a normal human being like me, the confusion and uncertainty that is characteristic of this stage has boggled your mind and made you do some irrational things. Today, I present some of my experiences for your entertainment. So, what did I do during the denial stage? 

1. Tried to kiss and make up hoping that things get back to normal. In relationships we have conflict solving sequences that we normally go through. It normally ends with the kiss and make up passionately. Well, when in denial some random wishful thinking crosses your mind and you try to pull off this kiss thingy…. It does not work! If you want to look like a fool please do it! 

2. The ‘Maybe we are just playing out the same story of this romantic movie’ consolation. Movie scripts are altered to create ideal situations where there is a happy miracle ending. Well, life is different. Why do some movies start to appear when you are breakig up though? When you have broken up, avoid love movies, they will make you try stuff like declaring your everlasting love whilst on one knee, which will consequently give a girl a heart attack. 

3. Calling more. We sometimes have this fallacy that maybe we should start calling more than usual showing that ‘I really care’ ofcourse at this time she is ignoring your call…. But you are an ambitious cat…. You got really lonely and called at 2 A.M……. Can’t believe I did that one. The consolation I had was ‘maybe she is playing hard to get’. Looking back, I can bet she was either telling her gay friend or sisters that some loser was pursuing her ruthlessly, and his desperation was a major turn off…. bleugh. 

4. Texts. In addition to erratic phone calls, you start sending romantic texts because you are afraid that some other dude may have stepped up and is taking over your territory…… I once went out of character and sent a text saying ‘Baby I miss you so so so sos so so muuuchos’ ti hi hi hi. Man, i bitch slap myself every-time I remember this. 

5. Social Media. You get on facebook and post her favourite song or put random love quotes especially when you notice that she is online. When she puts up a depressed status update (probably because of you) you either comment sympathetically or text her ‘Baby I love you so so so so muchos.’ 

6. Tell your friends that you took ‘a break’. Btw, if the break ‘just to see if things will work out’ was her idea then that thing is as good as over. You are on the way to the evil friendzone and you cant get out of there. But just tell your friends that you are under control of the situation, they should never know that you are scared like a little girl who needs constant boo boo hugs due to your bruised ego….. Lmao you emotional wreck! 

7. The ‘she will never find another like me’ consolation. We guys like to think that we are rare and unredictable. Well, most guys are predictable and your girl can predict your every movement just as a puppet master can control his puppet. Guys who say this are just the same because every guy says this. And yes, I said this one too. 

8. In an utter form of desperation try to convince her to come back to you while making a fool of yourself in the process. If you want a girl to hate you and be disgusted forever just get down on your knees and beg her to come back to you with visible tears in your eyes. This only works for married people……. Luckily I never did this one, but I did consider it. As guys we really are emotionally inferior to women though. it took me a long time to figure out that doing nothing might actually do more to alter the power games to your favour….. keep your head and move on with your life guys. 

9. Try to get close with her friends to either make her jealous or to try and find out what she is thinking. We all know that girls confide in their friends alot. They talk much, thats why when they break up, its painful they invest more in their relationships than we guys do. So anyway, if you are like me, you tried to take this to your advantage and started inboxing or texting her close friends. It may only work for the short term, but after a while you are back to square one…. 

10. Buying a random gift. This beats logic. We somehow think that a material gift may solve any of our problems. I actually know someone who wanted to borrow money to buy a gold chain……and yes, I bought chocolates which I ended up eating on my way back home with anger. But then chocolate is a good break up drug. I see why girls eat loads of it. it works.

 

So guys, break ups are probably the best things that can happen to you if you decide to learn from them…. and yes ladies, I have recovered from heartbreak.. so call me maybe?

 

About the Author: Arum The Champ is a blogger who writes mostly about how people (should) behave on twitter. You can find his hilarious writing at The Rare Champ

Emerging Trend in Marriage: Shared Spousal Roles

by Krista Meyers

If you consider how men and women share roles in their marriage, you will note that these roles have evolved over time. Even up to the middle to late twentieth century, the roles of husband and wife have changed quite a bit. Where roles were a bit more defined across the genders, today, these roles overlap and many duties are shared between spouses. The shared roles can facilitate for a more harmonious marital relationship especially when children are involved.

Primary Provider

In the past and still practiced today by some families, husbands typically would be the breadwinners, who would work all day, earn the family income and do the family budget. The wife would stay home, take care of the children, prepare meals and take care of the house. Whereas today, this role has been reversed in some marriages where some men stay home with the children while the wife goes out and earns an income. Some families opt for this because the wife has more earning power. This shared role can work especially if the husband is pursuing online studies because he gets more free time to study.

Budgeting

Shared roles are becoming prevalent in marriages especially when it comes to finances today. There are some men who allow their wives to manage the household finances or vice versa. More efficient households share this task. It not only keeps the finances in the open but it reduces fights over money. Money should not be the central focus in the relationship, but where the finances are handled as a team and each spouse has input, this shared responsibility can be the key to financial success.

Chores

Household chores can be unbalanced in some marriages. The typical marriage may have the wife doing the chores inside the home and the husband taking care of the vehicles, the yard and all other outside tasks. Other marriages where responsibilities are shared, there is compromise and teamwork. The spouses that work together get things done more efficiently. There will always be a particular task that is better handled that one of the spouses but marital camaraderie makes the workload seem lighter.

Children’s Welfare

Raising children has been seen in the past as a woman’s role. However, today, it is widely accepted that children need their fathers’ input in their lives. Therefore, many fathers are taking a more active role in raising their children. As a husband shares this role with his wife, he makes a strong statement and impact of his children’s lives. It not only eases the mother’s burden, but his input is very important in shaping the children’s lives.

Today, the emerging trend is that husbands and wives share or alternate roles in the household. Spouses are sharing the finances, household chores and raising the children together. Husbands are also taking the opportunity to be stay-at-home fathers. The roles in a marriage have now evolved. A marriage should be based on love, trust and shared responsibility. Each spouse brings something special into the marriage and the spirit of collaboration makes the marriage be even more successful.

About the author: Krista Meyers is a guest post author who specializes in writing about marriage, tips about matchmaking services, dating whatnots and other personal views about people’s relationships. 

Dating Advice for People who Think they Don’t Need it

By Vic

So we all know someone who doesn’t think they need advice, but guess what, even superstars and billionaires have their own insecurities and so does the person I will be writing about. This following letter addresses the person who I think would blow up any advice given as his confidence and strength clouds simply everything.

Dear Superman,

You are so confident, charming and oh so damn sexy! You have a mysteriousness about yourself that keeps women thinking about you. You are strong and so powerful that you make women feel safe and secure.

With all of that said, you would think you would have no problem dating. But, women love closeness and intimacy. They also appreciate openness and honesty. However, you find it hard to be close with anyone. Perhaps this is due to your being abandoned by your parents. Heal your heart in this area, forgive and learn how to be close to others. Expand your social skills and learn to be comfortable in your own skin. This will help you when you are dating.

I know you find it hard to reveal who you really are underneath your costume, but like I stated above, women appreciate honesty. Plus, you want a woman that will love you for who you are. If you never tell her the truth, you will not know for sure if she is the one for you. But, please make sure before you do reveal your true self that the woman is not employed by your arch nemesis.

Since you do not have much dating experience, nor really any experience with women, you may need to discover what you like in a woman before settling down with one. I would suggest that you go on several dates with different women so you can explore what you are most attracted to.

Also, please refrain from using x-ray vision on your first few dates despite how tempting it may be to use it and make sure you wear your underwear on the inside of your pants for the date!

Yours sincerely,

Vic

About the Author: Vic runs http://www.cupidslibrary.com/