Just a Few Rules for Guys and Girls

Conscience is the guardian in the individual of the rules which the community has evolved for its own preservation – William Somerset Maugham

The first thing God did after getting the Israelites out of Egypt was to come up with a list of rules they could follow. Fortunately for them, the rules were only 10 but unfortunately fornication and adultery was among them. The thing about us humans is that we need rules so that we can break them. I have always thought that had Adam not been told not to eat of the forbidden fruit, we would still be in Eden. While there are rules that can be broken, there are others that cannot. Under no circumstances are they to be broken, even if a life depends on it. These rules are different for the two different genders, and while I am sure you have heard/know/practice them, a reminder every now and then does no harm.

Here are the rules for men and women

Men : Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you are on equal footing, either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

Women : You shall never go to the washroom without at least one other girlfriend from your group.

Men : It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss’ car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”.
e. When she is using her teeth.

Women : It is okay if you cry under ANY and ALL circumstances. It is allowed.

Men : No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate’s birthday is strictly optional.

Women : You must remember the birthdays and anniversaries of all your friends. If you forget your girlfriends’ first date anniversaries you may be ignored for 6 months.

Men : If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.

Women : Your best friend’s brother, boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, love interest, ex- love interest is immediately off limits.

Men : If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you had better be talking about his choice of beer.

Women : It is acceptable for a woman to compliment another woman on how she looks. The word “cute” is encouraged. After complimenting another woman, it is permitted that you turn around and bitch about her to your best friend.

Men : Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both – that is just greedy.

Women : When a woman says, “Does anyone want this last piece of pizza?” she is really saying, “Someone please eat this before I do because it will make me fat.”

Men : The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you would know what I want!” gets a Play station II. End of story!

Women : A woman will never tell a man exactly what she is thinking. The man is expected to read the woman’s mind. You must not tell him why you are upset at him. Are you crazy?

Men : If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, and will, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.

Women : You can fantasize about Daniel Craig or want Brad Pitt to take off his shirt in a movie forever. The guy cannot watch Beyonce dance on TV.

Men : You have not made any mistake if you find that there are extra pieces after reassembling or assembling an object. In fact, you have just found a way to make that object more efficient.

Women : It is okay if you can’t use a piece of technology after reading the ENTIRE instruction manual. It is perfectly normal.

Men : No man shall spend more than 2 minutes in front of a mirror. If more time is required, a three minute waiting period must be allowed before returning to the mirror.

Women : When a woman says, “I will be ready in five minutes,” she really means, “I will be ready in half an hour.”

I hope that Men will adhere to these rules and others. I am not FIDA and hence cannot speak for the other gender.

THE DAY’S

Quote : The Exorcist – not the first time a Catholic priest ties a little girl to a bed.

Other Men Rules:

1. Bros before girls. Girlfriends come and go, but your boys are always there.

2. You must never own a cat. And you must never like your girl’s cat.

3. If you get two tickets to the big game, the priority list for granting the second ticket is as follows: 1. Your best friends (in order of how long you have known them). 2. Your acquaintances. 3. Your co-workers……. 8. Mwai Kibaki…….. 35. NSIS…… 1,325,476. Your girlfriend.

4. No PDA (Public Display of Affection) – Yes another girl can stand the sight of you (and congratulations for that), but you need not wear her like she is the bloody World Cup trophy you just won!

5. When out with your boys, never accept a call from your girlfriend…..unless she is dying or trapped under a burning fuel track, and in that case…keep it short!

6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at rugby, and your beer is getting wet, then, for the drinking period only, it is permissible.

7. Bros before girls – I know I have said this before but I have to say it again.

Math Hate Matics

Pure Mathematics is, in its way, the poetry of logical ideas – Prof. Albert Einstein

I used to love Mathematics for its own sake, and I still do, because it allows for no hypocrisy and no vagueness – Henri Beyle

I have read several (OK very many blogs) and a few (ok, several) posts about ‘A Letter to 13-year old me’. One thing is certain about most bloggers and writers is that they had a thing for writing/reading at an early age. It was their first love. But not ME! I guess I am just weird as everyone says…..or I am cut from a different cloth. While I loved reading and writing (I still do), my first love was Mathematics. And even today, if I am asked to choose just one…..writing will be the mistress. So today, I will do a post on Mathematics (for the sake of the people who love maths and more so if one day my boss decides to google my name and stumbles upon this blog).

When I learnt how to prove that 1=2, I immediately added the label genius to the guy I had learnt the trick from. Here is what one Mulati came up with. I will put it in a way that any Dick, Tom and Harry with no mathematical background will understand:

Proof that 1=2

Let a=1 and b=1;

Then a = b;     multiplying both sides by a gives

aa = ab;           subtracting both sides by b-squared (bb) gives

aa-bb = ab-bb          Solving, we have

(a+b) (a-b) = b (a-b)     dividing both sides by (a-b) gives

a+b = b            but a=1 and b=1 so we have

2 = 1 QED

Back when I was 15 and intelligent blood still flowed through my veins (Damn the Doctors for transfusing me with bad blood and reducing my IQ by a whole 53 points), I came up with this theorem that I called The Greatrnk’s Nine Rule. You should take note that I was 15, living in a third world country and studying at a school best known for burning dormitories and fighting with other high schools than its academic achievements.

Here is what I wrote about it to some fellows (not those of the Institute of Actuaries but guys who had some little knowledge of mathematics) :

…While it is highly possible that it has been documented before, I am yet to see of the same. I beseech you to do atleast one of the following:

1. Read through it.
2. Critic
3. Suggest an alteration or improvement to it.
4. Inform me if you have seen it in any book before.
5. Give any limitation of it. I know two.

I will try going through this in a manner that, according to me, someone who would rather take a bullet than understand Mathematics will grasp.

If we multiply any number, say n, by 9, then the following formula can be used to get the product:

9n = 10(n-1)+(10-n) e.g for n=5, we have
9*5 = 10(5-1)+(10-5) = 10(4)+5 = 45

If we again multiply any number, say n, by 99, then the following formula can be used to get the product:

99n = 100(n-1)+(100-n) e.g for n=2,we have
99*2 = 100(2-1)+(100-2) = 198

again, the product of any number, say n, and 999 can be found by:

999n = 1000(n-1)+(1000-n)

this can go on till 999999999999999………..

If mathematics is not your cup of tea, then its okay to understand upto this place.

So if m and n are integers greater or equal to 0, then

{(1*10^m)-1}n = (1*10^m)(n-1)+{(1*10^m)-n} <——- The Greatrnk Rule.

I later (8 years later) learnt that this thing already exists in the ‘Games’ part of Mathematics and ever since, I have not tried to come up with anything new! What was I thinking???

TODAY’S

Quote: I’ve dealt with numbers all my life, of course, and after a while you begin to feel that each number has a personality of its own.  A twelve is very different from a thirteen, for example.  Twelve is upright, conscientious, intelligent, whereas thirteen is a loner, a shady character who won’t think twice about breaking the law to get what he wants.  Eleven is tough, an outdoorsman who likes tramping through woods and scaling mountains; ten is rather simpleminded, a bland figure who always does what he’s told; nine is deep and mystical, a Buddha of contemplation – Paul Auster.

Facts: The sum of the first n odd numbers is equal to n-squared.

Three people are to buy three things costing Ksh 10 each. They send Greatrnk who manages to buy all the three things for Ksh 25 thereby saving Ksh 5. Greatrnk gives each of the three people a shilling and he remains with Ksh 2. Now, logically, the three people spent Ksh 10-1=9. Multiplying 9 by three is 27. Subtracting 27 from 30 gives Ksh 3. But greatrnk was left with Ksh 2, where does the shilling go to?

Please Do Not Try This At School: One of my roommates in college was burning the midnight oil. In the process, he was making new ground and discovering things undiscovered before, or so he thought. After playing around with the discovery till 4am (I think it was towards 5), he woke me up shouting ‘Eureka, Eureka!’ He had found a new formula. It is when he opened the next page of the book he was reading that he found the formula he thought he had discovered on the very first line. He switched off the lights for some sleep, and like me, he has not tried to discover anything new!

Disclaimer: My apologies to those who hate mathematics with a passion!

Vote for The Greatrnk

Votes are like trees, if you are trying to build a forest. If you have more trees than you have forests, then at that point the pollsters will probably say you will win – Dan Quayle

There is a Kenyan Blog Contest at Self Definition. The three categories are as follows:

Art Award: Recognition and appreciation of poetry. Creativity, choice of words, originality and show of talent.

Beauty Award: Best layout, design, cool features, attractiveness and finest integration of themes and magnificence.

Action Award: Pursuit of ingenuity. Most interactive and frequent in content update.

The Greatrnk has been nominated in the Action Category. I will appreciate if you take a second of your time and Vote for The Greatrnk. Voting ends on the 30 June, so make sure you vote everyday.

Whichever way the results go, I am very grateful for you dropping by and for your vote. Thank you so much.

I would also like to wish the other contestants all the best in the contest.

THE DAY’S

Definition: Frog – What the prince you are dating will eventually become.

Big Tune: My Generation – Nas & Damien Marley featuring Jill Scott & Lil Wayne.

Bonus: Seen in a Hotel Somewhere in Kenya

Tonut na maantasi 5.00 /=
Homelet Plain 4.50/=
Jai na zgonji 5.00/=
Tenku na ukali 6.00/=
Jabati Pantika 6.40/=
jabati na karanka 15.00/=
Gugu ya ingo 50.00/=
Gugu ya genjik 25.00/=
Mgade Poflo 6.50/=
mapawa ya ingokho(chumusha)10.00 pop
mapawa ya ingokho( choma) 15.00 pop
Zdrungi kafu 1.50/=
Matonto na Mihoko 30.00/=
Zamagi ntoko 23.00/=
Enchoy your meals
bay at te counder

Music

We do two shows a night for five weeks. A lotta times we’ll go upstairs and sing until daylight–gospel songs. We grew up with it…..It more or less puts your mind at ease. It does mine…..Gospel music is the purest thing there is on Earth – Sir Elvis Presley

I know, I was and still am shocked when I read the person who said those words. Was it really Elvis? I think people who will find themselves in heaven will be shocked when they find (first) themselves, then the people we all think are on a hell bound bus with no brakes. Music is now a necessity in life. With the discovery of a fourth state of matter came the addition of Music to the three basic human wants.

One Saturday mid morning, I opened the radio and to my surprise, this is what I heard, “Hii ni 106.7 Citizen….” Immediately, the panic button was pressed and the disaster management protocol activated in my brain. Whenever such things happen, my brain sort of works at speeds that rival the speed of light to make sure there is minimum body damage. What I know is that I went deaf for a few seconds, quickly reached for the radio’s off button before I could hear any other bullcrap from an S. K. Macharia station. When the panic was over, came rage and I knew, to safeguard myself against such an event happening again, I had to undertake the next step.

I quickly formed a Commission of Inquiry to investigate Who/What, When, Why and How someone/thing switched the National  Family radio to Citizen FM! The Commission is still conducting its hearings and several family members have been reprimanded. When dust had settled down, I asked someone who could withstand the station to put on the radio when I had left the room and change the station to a Greatrnk friendly station. On coming back to the living room, the radio was playing John Legend’s Refuge (When it’s Cold Outside). What do I hear after the song ends, “That’s John Legend and you are on Radio 316!!!”

OMG, I thought to myself, since when did John Legend sing a song eligible for play on a Christian radio station? John Legend, just like Joe, only sings about sex. Do not get me wrong, I love his music. But surely,  Let’s Get Lifted, She Don’t have to know, So High, Green Light, Quickly, Cross the Line, Satisfaction etc are either about sex or some hidden meaning I am yet to decipher. I could forgive a Christian station for playing Jordin Spark’s One Step at a Time or Faith but not a John Legend song. Heck, play Kanye West’s Jesus Walks. It has the name of Jesus in-not only-the song, but also the title!

A few years back, I watched Cece Wainan’s More than what I wanted video. A year later, I am told Cece Wainans is a Gospel artist and that song is gospel. #HowNow? I  cannot remember what I saw in the video but I think I saw a girl and a guy on a boat and there was nothing gospel about it. The thing I am driving at is, how contemporary can a gospel song be? Does a song pass for Gospel just because it does not have the Fcuk and Issht words? Is a song gospel just because it is inspiring even though there is no mention of God. Can we convert issht love songs to gospel songs by interpreting the (S)HE to mean GOD? I leave that for you to decide.

THE DAY’S

Bonus:

1. Someone asked me between Lacrae and Tupac, who is better. My first reaction was WTH is Lacrae? I told the guy, it is insane to compare Tupac with anybody else apart from Biggie, and he still beats Biggie. If Lacrae is that good, I would have heard of him…..Yes, I do not know much about gospel artists but I know about Papa San and Kirk Franklin. I will be listening to Lacrae’s songs to make a better judgement.

2. I am walking with someone talking about music when he blabbers that “Jordin Sparks is among the best RAPPERS and he would go see HIM if HE were to come to Kenya!” I know there is a time when one is 80 years old and all you want to do is die. That is what I wanted. To die and get away from this evil Earth with all this bullcrap we have to accommodate from idiots. What I did is that I made sure no one had heard him speak apart from me, then maintained a three metre radius between me and him so that if he happens to say some idiotic phrase, no one would connect me to him.

3. The two most abundant elements in the World are Hydrogen and idiocy.

The World Cup…..as I saw it.

South Africa has come alive, we will never be the same after this World Cup – Jacob Zuma

It has finally come to an end! The drama, the surprises, the new found heroes, villains and players to hate for life. I am talking about the 2010 FIFA World Cup. In just a few hours, we will find out who between Spain and Germany plays Netherlands in the all European finals. On this World Cup, I will chose to share these comments that some may not agree with them, but hey, everyone is entitled to their own opinion:

1. England were never going to win the World Cup because they were not hosting it and people nowadays hate them almost as much as they hated the Germans in 1966. The hate is due to their journalists comparing any Tom, Dick and Harry English player to the World’s great.

2.The only way Argentina would have won the World Cup is if they would have avoided efficient teams like Germany or Netherlands. Maradona was a great player, he is not a good coach. Thank God we were saved the trouble of seeing him naked all the same.

3. So Wayne Rooney did not score a goal……Well, so did Messi and Kaka. Torres is also yet to score while both Ronaldo and Drogba scored just one each.

4. Luis Suarez is the second most hated person in Africa….after the Germans. He also managed to make Uruguay be the second most hated Country in Africa (up 123 places from position 125) after…..you guessed it right, Germany. Serves the Germans right for plotting on taking over the World since 1914!

5. Man of the Tournament Award will probably be awarded to either Robben, Sneijda, Villa, Ozil or Klose…..depending on whose country will lift the trophy on Sunday.

6. Dunga is an @$$ #0\e for not including Ronaldinho in Brazil’s World Cup squad. That is all I can say about the team I was supporting at the World Cup.

7. France were never going to do anything in this World Cup with a majority of their players being Arsenal or ex-Arsenal players. It still serves them right for the injustice done to Northern Ireland when former Arsenal idol and captain Henry had to play Volleyball for them to qualify.

8. Dear Gyan,

When you are given the mandate of hitting something called a jabulani slightly over 12 yards, and on crossing the 12 yard mark, you send, not only your country but the whole of Africa into the semis, and yourself into the record books; you DO NOT try to send the keeper the wrong way. You DO NOT try to score a penalty that Zidane would be proud of by aiming at the roof. Heck, you DO NOT even take the penalty in a hurry like you did (there will be no card awarded for time wasting!) You stay calm, look around, take all the time you need and when satisfied, you DO WHATEVER IT TAKES, HOWEVER IT TAKES to get Africa to the Semis. If in any way you feel you cannot handle the pressure, you ask someone else to take Africa to the Semis!

Regards,

Greatrnk.

PS: Please ask Menseh WTH he was trying by hitting a penalty while standing a foot behind the ball for me, thanks.

9. Thanks to the way the African teams somehow, managed to snatch defeat from the tight jaws of victory, the next time an African team will bid to host the World Cup, the competing bids from the other countries will add this line to their bid documents: ‘We want atleast two African countries to make it to the Second round, that does not happen when an African country hosts the World Cup’

10.One of the following will be crowned Champions of the World on Sunday. The probability of each team winning is in brackets while the order I have listed them is also my preferred winners in that order. Netherlands(50%), Spain(25%) and Germany(25%). May the best team apart from Germany win!

THE DAY’S

Quote: If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Definition: Statistics (n): The Science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures – Evan Esar.

Top Ten

He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying – Freidrich Nietzsche

I started blogging two months ago, just two months ago! And in a bid to be better at it, I have dedicated considerable time in reading other blogs. I have had to copy/ borrow a leaf or two overtime to improve my posts and that I will continue to do in an effort to get better. In my course of blog-whoring (The act of reading simultaneous blogs at the same time with different windows or tabs open on your Internet browser), I have come across interesting reads by very talented writers. As a way of commemorating my two months anniversary since I started blogging, I will celebrate these great posts/writers that so far are my top ten. The order is alphabetical.

1. 100% Pure Unadulterated Kenyan was done by Chepkwony in Raymondchepkwony’s Blog: A hilarious post on what makes Kenyans All Kenyan, All the Time. (Said in a Jeff Koinange accent)

2. Actuarial Science in Kenya by Muthoni in The Teacher is a post on the challenges facing Actuarial Science students in Kenya in their bid to become Actuaries. (And for the dufus who say Acturialists or Actuarial Scientists…those two words are yet to be invented!)

3. Child of Many Worlds : When I first read this post, I was so impressed by Sheblossoms that I immediately added her in my list of mentors. She is so good with words that it is almost criminal not to fall in love with her writings. If I was ranking these posts, hers would make it to the top three. I highly recommend that you read it if you have a thing on writing. She is a writer at The Princess Project (Kenya)

4. Coke Bloking is from my good friend Chiira who also writes for The Princess Project (Kenya). This is among the first blog posts I read from The Trot and The Run and arguably among the best from him according to me. Very hilarious I must say.

5. Is it Because I is Black? Whats in a Colour : I only had three words and three punctuation marks when I first read this post by Papa Shango in Papa Shangos Blog. This is what I felt ‘Confused, Confused, Confused ???‘

6. The Chips Funga Phenomenon by Savvy Kenya is another hilarious must read in The Diary of A Kenyan Campus Girl. I recommend you read this post just after/before reading Coke Bloking and relate the two. Also make sure you get to read the comments, especially by one DS.

7. Things to Do in my Last Year of College was the first work by Savvy Kenya that I read. The last Year of College for the Kenyan Campus Girl, however,  is almost up. A good writer, Savvy is.

8. Was the Media Justified in Questioning the Gospel Industry? by Dave Munyao was written after the Groove Awards. You can find his inspirational writings on The Voice.

9. Will you Marry Me? I really could not choose which one of anyiko‘s post to feature here. They are all good. I chose the first thing I ever read from her. Her style is poetic, very interesting with a lot of rhyming. You had better read impressive posts by her in Black Rose

10. Your Child is not My Laptop is one post I have read countless times and it still makes me laugh. Written by the person I have named most in this post (and indeed blog). No marks for guessing who that is.

THE DAY’S

Quotes:

1. They say alcohol and smoking kills slowly! So what? Who says I am in a hurry? – Bevealry

2. I want to get the words “Courage” and “Bravery” tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me.

3. Solution to two of the world’s problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry!