Bad is the New Good

Every bad boy was once good till he met a bad girl who had been a good girl till she met a bad boy who had been a good boy till he met a bad girl….

 

It is said that a great Nigger story always starts with “Nigger, you will not believe this issht!” A vintage greatrnk story will most likely start with one day I was busy doing nothing and basically minding my own business when I was brought to the attention of a blog post by deestinguished titled ‘To All Nice Guys who Only Make the Best Friends List!’ My good conscience could not allow me to read that post because the title itself tells you this post discriminates against the weak (nice guys) in the society and I would have none of it. A few hours later, Diasporadical posted ‘Because Good Men Exist‘ and I thought someone had spoken for the ‘weak!’ How wrong I was!

I got someone – who knows my limits well – to read out the post by deestinguished (after I saw her comment on DR that she had written something similar) so that he could tell me the contents – At least the things that will not make him spend a few cold nights in a mortuary and thereafter, eternity in a 6 foot hole as a result of my anger. The post basically calls the nice guys stupid (but in a diplomatic and nice way) for among other things that include “escorting their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never taking advantage once they’re at her door!” It was a sad day in the kingdom of Nice Guys! DR on the other hand argued from another point of view. “Everyone thinks men are up to no good. Especially women,” he said, before adding this paragraph:

“It makes things very complicated for people in relationships when everything they say or do can and will be used against them in a court of love. You can’t buy her a gift because you’ll be covering something up. You can’t not buy her something cause you’re neglecting her. You can’t talk about other women because you may be cheating. You can’t not talk about other women because you may be cheating. You can’t pick up a phone call from an ex who’s now married with 10 kids because she’s an ex and that may mean something. And you can’t not pick up because she’s an ex and that may also mean something……In many cases, a good guy can’t get a girl if he tries. He has to come with a Certificate of Authenticity, a Warranty and several signatory stamps of approval!”

It is then that I wept for the nice guy and decided to do something about it. I had to talk for the weak. Unfortunately, there was nothing to talk about. The only solution available if you are nice/good is to join the bad guys, and as you will see, it is not hard if you follow some of these rules below:

Switch to the best option: Being Bad!!!

1. Stop listening to gay boy band music such as Crapstreet boys, Wastelife, N (Toilet) Sink and this other stupid chick called Bustin Jieber. That is the reason you are nice in the first place! Somehow get yourself to forget the lyrics of the songs of the above artists, even if it means getting yourself into an accident that will make you suffer from selective amnesia. Replace your music library with John Legend or James Blunt. Here is why. “I don’t have a fancy car, to get to you I’ll walk a thousand miles” is crap by crapshit goats telling her YOU ARE A BROKE NIGGER!!! On the other hand, look at the following lyrics by John Legend:

• You can’t say I don’t love you, just because I cheat on you….
• You’ve been my best friend can we put this to bed then, tonight’s the night to cross the line…
• I know we just met but baby could u love me quickly…

2. Get an ego or buy one at whatever cost! The bigger, the better!

3. Know how to use your phone. At no time should there be two missed calls from you on a chick’s phone. If she refuses to pick, thou shalt not call again until the time that it will deem her fit to call. No Please Call Me texts on your girlfriend’s phone even if she is the current president and you are a beggar and you have just pick pocketed your first mobile phone!

4. If you accidentally find your come-we-stay-girlfriend/wife watching a soap or a Nigerian movie (I am assuming you know it is illegal for a guy to watch), you have two options: If you belong to the “We-effing-have-it-all class”, get a bottle of your (unopened) most expensive wine that she knows you like and smash the screen with it. Then call Sony/JVC and ask them to deliver a bigger plasma screen TV in the morning. If you belong to the “Have-some class”, go to the local and come back either after midnight or when you get her 10th missed call, whichever comes last.

I know some people now hate me but girls have proved time and time again that being nice will not pay. You have to be mean, so lets focus on the goal!

5. Roll out with the baddest (I know that is not good English) guys. If they do drugs, good, if one of them has a crime record, perfect!

6. Do not care to remember birthdays of female friends. If you have a girlfriend, make sure that in a year, you “forget” at least one of the following: Her Birthday, Valentines day and your anniversary (sic). You should not remember the stupid anniversaries (the first argument, the first time you were rained on together, the first time you ‘rescued’ her by killing a spider in her apartment etc)

7. Any attempt at blackmail should be reciprocated by you leaving the room and not forgetting to slam the door.

If She Plays You Like Agnes aka OMG: Do not wait to hear her explanation or apology. It is simply over. Instead, start working on the revenge. The revenge should be so bad that any attempted revenge by her should seem like a new born punching Mike Tyson! If it does not include you and all her best friends starting with the one who is hotter than her, then it is not revenge, at least not yet!

THE DAYS:

Disclaimer: I do not mind if you judge me by this post or not. If you have not, that is good of/for you; if you have, we all know you have bigger problems ahead. Judging is a sin punishable by burning in hell for life!

Quote: Some things are better left unsaid … like those times you criticize me.

The Princess Project: Creekside Princess Season 2 Finale

I got to spend some time last week with someone that I think I do not appreciate as much as I should. He is the kind of man who understands me, perhaps better than I give him credit for. He knows when I need to be on my own and when I need him standing right beside me. He gives room for my fierce independence, but the times that I have crumbled, I look up to see him right there, even during the times when I would rather he was not.

The problem is, the kind of person I am right now, hasn’t been able to give as much as I have taken.

I didn’t realise this. I think that I have allowed the culture I live in to influence my way of thinking. We have become quite the commercial culture, haven’t we? Wealth, finances, and money – they have become a very large factor in the lives we live. It’s only understandable when more than 50% of a population lives below the poverty line. But how much should that factor in the relationships we have?

When you equate the value of life and love to the value of money or wealth available or exchanged; you dismiss the value of a phone call from a loved one checking on how you are doing because he did not Mpesa the value of his love, you dismiss the time your mother spent on that bad road to come and visit you because maybe she didn’t bring a basket full of stuff from home, you ignore that kind and tender touch, you don’t value that long hug, you forget how to love back.

We made a deal, my friend and I, long ago when we were just soccer buddies. If we went out for Icecream at Yul’s, he’d pay, or I’d pay, or we’d both pay whatever worked at the time. But I’d never ask him for his money, and he’d never ask me for my money. Weird deal, but it worked. I recognise my responsibility to support myself, and he respects my wish to do so.

In that respect, I grew up. Well, sort of. I run to mummy and daddy when I am in trouble. Mummy never complains. Daddy indulges me a little too much.

The problem I think is that that definition of our relationship my friend and I made, might have sort of warped the rest of my thinking. My independence and his respect for it seem to justify it when he gives his love and time, and I don’t feel obligated to give back as much time and love.

This morning my mother said, “When you only take, you forget to give. The problem is not that you hurt the other person. The problem is that when you don’t give, you forget who you are.”

It’s one of those saying that I take weeks thinking over before I can understand it. But I have a feeling that she is right. Don’t you?

So, back to The Princess Project (K). We moved houses this week. You can now find us at www.princessprojectkenya.com.

This week we brought you the last part of Reunion, which by the way is also the last part of the Creekside Princess Season 2 Finale – Reunion 2

“Your boyfriend?”

What the hell?! You meet a guy in a supermarket the next day he is at your apartment!

“What? No. He’s just my roommate.”

“Ah.” That obviously made perfect sense to him, but it sure did not explain why in the world he was here. “Your T-shirt is inside out.”

Gaby blinked, glanced down. Her I am my own Bitch T-shirt was indeed inside out. She shrugged, “It’s fine.”

Read The Season Finale

We also brought you the last part of Poetry Book Camp. Girl! Did the Ivory Punk get tough on us! See her ‘so long’ note.

We will be taking a very short break, but we will be here to keep you company through December.

The next season of the Creekside Princess will be about growing beyond challenges and giving back to society by being the best of what you are. It’s time for Gabrielle to take charge of her life and stop drifting from trouble to tragedy. We should give her a chance to do that, don’t you think?

Are you intrigued by Sam, the Blackberry Princess, and Kombo, the Bourbon King? They are going to become regular features in Season 3. But please do write in and tell us which character you would like to see more of. Just post the name of your favorite Character on our Facebook Fan Page.

We are also looking for book reviews, so if there is a book that has entertained you, enlightened you or been a source of motivation and courage for you, please tell us all about it. Send your book review tojmaruru@princessprojectkenya.com.

You can also send in poetry, nominate a queen in your life for a Diva Interview with the Ivory Punk, or send us your personal trial and strength story.

If you work in organisations aimed at empowering and educating young women, or have opportunities for young women, please let us know and will spread the word about your project, business or organisation.

 

 

The Princess Project: Flight or Flight

The last few weeks have been the kind when I know I am alive because there’s so much going on but I can barely feel my own skin.

It happens, to everyone, at some point. If you are like me, you’ll get a chance to stop for a moment and pinch your own cheek, just so you can feel the blood flow back, affirmation that you are alive. Sometimes I wish I knew a better way to get the same results.

My body seems to shift from severe neuropathic pain – periods when I experience severe pain as a result of both my illness and the medication I have to take to control it – and Peripheral Idiopathic neuropathy, periods when I cannot feel my extremities or experience pain in those areas. It can be a vicious cycle, one that is confusing even to me.

While all this is happening all the other stuff in my life; work, writing, friends, even faith seem to be some kind of routine just to keep me going. If I let it go on too long, then everything can be about my illness and lots of important stuff is neglected.

That’s why I need to stop for a moment and pinch my own cheek. I am glad that along with everything else that I was given, I got a bunch of special people to remind me when it’s time to pinch my own cheek.

Sometimes, I might ignore even them, in which case, we have a pre-arranged agreement that they will pinch my cheek for me. I might flare up, and maybe huff around for a few minutes, but deep down inside, I know that ‘my special people’ love me and only want the best for me. So I’ll probably calm down and start to listen.

I hope you have your pinch-your-cheek routine and your ‘special people’ too, because there is nothing so bad as being engrossed in your own thoughts and worries that you can’t stop to smell the flowers, and to make the world a better place.

I stopped to take in the beautiful scent of two flowers in the last two weeks.

I realised how very much I am proud of my daddy, his strength, his unique perception, and his choice to share his mind with me.

And then I met Catherine Wanjohi, well met virtually, a lady who is doing a great job of educating commercial sex workers in safe practices, as well as helping those who chose to leave the industry find stability and self-sufficiency. You can find out about Catherine’s work on her organisation’s website.

My mum always tells me that I should use what I have to make the world, my little corner of the world, a much better place. And I will. I have my pen, I intend to use it as far and as much as I can.

In other news, Gaby, is going through a Flight or Fight Situation. Which got me thinking that we are always at a Flight or Flight crossroad. Should I leave or should I stay? Should I do it now or later? Should I talk back or hold my tongue?

I think the same thing happens when a child is born and the doctor slaps the bum. Reality kicks in and the baby realizes that there are only two options, fight or flight. Flight at that point is a bit tricky,(unless fate and God had that in mind in the first place) so the tot decides to fight…We all decided to stay in this big bad world and for our places. What about Gaby? What will she do?

“Yeah. I don’t know you very well,  figured it would be easier and safer to chat with you. ”

She paused and Gaby smiled feeling incredibly blank.

“See! You haven’t asked a question or given me the disinterested look I get from my friends in the lifestyle.”

“Like you said I don’t know you very …”

“It’s either you are too cynical for your own good or you are a very intelligent babe.”

“Babe? Me?” Gaby laughed as she handed a waier a tray of drinks for Table No. 12.

“Yeah, babe. Hot one, too. Anyway, have you ever thought of getting out of this pub and maybe doing something ‘better’ with yourself?” She rolled her eyes in a Gossip-Girl kinda way. “Forget about you. You look comfortable here. I have been thinking of getting out of the agency. You know, down my tools and do something that I can tell my children – if ever I have them –  about. Well, maybe not give up the whips and boots completely, but you know, not sell the lifestyle. ”

What in the hell makes the Blackberry Princess think that I’m was comfortable working in a hole with drunk yuppies as the main attraction and a patron who kills, deals  and threatens?Comfortable?!! Read The Rest Here.

The Princess Project did interview Catherine Wanjohi and  she has spme very profound information on Life Bloom Services International, the organization. Check out how she helps these women Lead Blooming Lives.

The Lybelious Punk did not post any poetry(so to speak), this week. She’s fed up – I know she’s always fed up but this time it’s a bit more constructive- and she is sending all of you to Boot Camp with a poet of old, Rev. Samuel Wesley. Read and learn.

The Global Peace Convention will be held in Nairobi in December and we have all the info for you. This year’s theme is ‘conflict resolution; peace and development’ . Read More on the Convention here and then get to know Where The Truth Is with Imani Opar. Tomorrow she takes us Back To The Basics.

Lovely week.

Up All Orgies

The person who says “The people who say money cannot buy happiness do not know where to shop” simply does not have any

Last night, I was mobbed by my fans who wanted an explanation as to why I have not posted anything for the last three weeks. (I must admit that I enjoyed when the female fans wer…….er ..sorry, I had forgotten that this is a family-ish blog ….but the real motives of some of the fans were questionable!) Anyway, the only way I could get out alive (and without being…er…) was to promise them to do a post today (while kneeling – as a form of a punishment), apologising for not posting in that long, the promise that I am honoring now.

The last three months have been hell for me. I have been going through issht after issht after issht. I have tried my best to (almost successfully) keep it out of both social sites and the public domain. I however would like to assure everyone that I will be back to my usual self again……soon. And that is my up all orgy. Meanwhile, donations to help me in stress management can be sent to my number (which is somewhere in this blog.) My phone only accepts money in denominations of 1000’s by the way.

For now, I leave you with this piece from one of the few geniuses who have had the privilege to live in my time. (Do you know how much Einstein would have achieved had he lived in my time? Your guess is as good as mine……Nothing, and the simple reason is that he will be busy tweeting and facebooking instead of discovering the law of relativity.)

The Secret to a Happy Marriage by French Speaking, Arsenal Loving J. E. M

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years.

Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known “happy going marriage”.

Editor: ” Sir. It’s amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? ”

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: ” We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage.

Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses.

My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.

On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.

Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse’s back and said “This is your first time”.

She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said “This is your second time” and continued.

When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!

I shouted at my wife: “What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?” ..

She gave a silent look and said: “This is your first time!!!”.” Husband:

“That’s it. We are happy ever after. ”

THE DAY’S

Quote: Love me or Hate me, its all good for me. If you love me I will always be in your heart, if you hate me i will always be in your mind – Papa Shango.

Lyrics: Call me crazy, I’ve been called worse. It’s like I have it all, but what’s it all worth? I’m probably better in my afterlife. I should cherish life, but this ain’t paradise – Lil Wayne (Paradise)