Focusing on Self


by Arum the Champ

Today I am going to write about something that I have been dealing with recently. Something that I became consciously aware of and it somewhat freaked me out. After noticing that I did it often I also realised that many other people did it too, which ofcourse forced me to analyze it and subsequently write something about it (yes writing is my therapy).

So anyway today I will talk about criticism and how we self-sabotage ourselves when we always focus on criticising others instead of ourselves. I have to admit, due to some of my personality traits I am good at focusing on flaws, mistakes and errors of other people. Infact, it does not help that I am a perfectionist who sometimes tries to prove others wrong just for the sake of feeling like I am right.

It is easy to criticize other people, infact when you criticize you somehow get a delusional feeling that you are better than another individual. A couple of years ago when I was going through a particular phase in my life, I came to learn of a concept called ‘projection.’

Simply explained, it states that the traits which we identify in others whether good or bad are somehow inherent in us. Yes, when you throw out that “she is so manipulative” comment at another, it may mean that deep inside we share that character trait. Projection and the awareness of our strengths/weaknesses is a fabolous way to master or discover who you really are. I would have gone deeper in to it but that is not my focus today.

Back to criticism….. the thing with criticism from a distance is that most of the time it may be coupled with hate or an inferiority complex. It is easy to focus on others flaws yet forget that we are human beings that have loads of issues to deal with.

to the point………

our progress as individual is greatly limited when we keep on focusing on what others need to do with their lives. I suggest that it would be better if you focused more on yourself and what we need to do to become better individuals.

Am I saying that we totally refrain from criticising injustices? no. What I mean is that we should focus more of our criticisms on our selves and continually challenge who we are on a daily basis. In our relationships/friendships instead of focusing on what others should do to make us happy, put your ego aside and instead ask yourself what you can do to improve ourselves and make them have a great experience when interacting with us.

Self criticism is one great way of taking control of our lives and constantly improving on who we are as people……

so, what do you need to improve on as a person?

write it down, share it with a friend and make a commitment to continually work on the issue no matter what it takes.

About the Author: Arum The Champ is a blogger who writes mostly about how people (should) behave on twitter. You can find his hilarious writing at The Rare Champ

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Things I Have Done During the Denial Stage of A Break Up


by ArumtheChamp

 

Denial is one of the most interesting stages of a break-up that involves lots of drama. If you are a normal human being like me, the confusion and uncertainty that is characteristic of this stage has boggled your mind and made you do some irrational things. Today, I present some of my experiences for your entertainment. So, what did I do during the denial stage? 

  1. Tried to kiss and make up hoping that things get back to normal. In relationships we have conflict solving sequences that we normally go through. It normally ends with the kiss and make up passionately. Well, when in denial some random wishful thinking crosses your mind and you try to pull off this kiss thingy…. It does not work! If you want to look like a fool please do it! 

  2. The ‘Maybe we are just playing out the same story of this romantic movie’ consolation. Movie scripts are altered to create ideal situations where there is a happy miracle ending. Well, life is different. Why do some movies start to appear when you are breakig up though? When you have broken up, avoid love movies, they will make you try stuff like declaring your everlasting love whilst on one knee, which will consequently give a girl a heart attack. 

  3. Calling more. We sometimes have this fallacy that maybe we should start calling more than usual showing that ‘I really care’ ofcourse at this time she is ignoring your call…. But you are an ambitious cat…. You got really lonely and called at 2 A.M……. Can’t believe I did that one. The consolation I had was ‘maybe she is playing hard to get’. Looking back, I can bet she was either telling her gay friend or sisters that some loser was pursuing her ruthlessly, and his desperation was a major turn off…. bleugh. 

  4. Texts. In addition to erratic phone calls, you start sending romantic texts because you are afraid that some other dude may have stepped up and is taking over your territory…… I once went out of character and sent a text saying ‘Baby I miss you so so so sos so so muuuchos’ ti hi hi hi. Man, i bitch slap myself every-time I remember this. 

  5. Social Media. You get on facebook and post her favourite song or put random love quotes especially when you notice that she is online. When she puts up a depressed status update (probably because of you) you either comment sympathetically or text her ‘Baby I love you so so so so muchos.’ 

  6. Tell your friends that you took ‘a break’. Btw, if the break ‘just to see if things will work out’ was her idea then that thing is as good as over. You are on the way to the evil friendzone and you cant get out of there. But just tell your friends that you are under control of the situation, they should never know that you are scared like a little girl who needs constant boo boo hugs due to your bruised ego….. Lmao you emotional wreck! 

  7. The ‘she will never find another like me’ consolation. We guys like to think that we are rare and unredictable. Well, most guys are predictable and your girl can predict your every movement just as a puppet master can control his puppet. Guys who say this are just the same because every guy says this. And yes, I said this one too. 

  8. In an utter form of desperation try to convince her to come back to you while making a fool of yourself in the process. If you want a girl to hate you and be disgusted forever just get down on your knees and beg her to come back to you with visible tears in your eyes. This only works for married people……. Luckily I never did this one, but I did consider it. As guys we really are emotionally inferior to women though. it took me a long time to figure out that doing nothing might actually do more to alter the power games to your favour….. keep your head and move on with your life guys. 

  9. Try to get close with her friends to either make her jealous or to try and find out what she is thinking. We all know that girls confide in their friends alot. They talk much, thats why when they break up, its painful they invest more in their relationships than we guys do. So anyway, if you are like me, you tried to take this to your advantage and started inboxing or texting her close friends. It may only work for the short term, but after a while you are back to square one…. 

  10. Buying a random gift. This beats logic. We somehow think that a material gift may solve any of our problems. I actually know someone who wanted to borrow money to buy a gold chain……and yes, I bought chocolates which I ended up eating on my way back home with anger. But then chocolate is a good break up drug. I see why girls eat loads of it. it works.

 

So guys, break ups are probably the best things that can happen to you if you decide to learn from them…. and yes ladies, I have recovered from heartbreak.. so call me maybe?

 

About the Author: Arum The Champ is a blogger who writes mostly about how people (should) behave on twitter. You can find his hilarious writing at The Rare Champ

Know Your Worth


by switcheeks

Grandmother’s advice

Before you go on and sigh! It’s not another sad Love gone sour I know my worth story, so go on continue scrolling down. I had a weird dream recently, I dreamed that I was 94, relaxing by the beach with my current age which let’s pretend it’s 21. The conversation we, I mean I had with my older self was really weird and so real, it went something like this;

Grandmother me; “Lately it seems V, you hardly know your worth in life, you worry about small things that you don’t have control over. You need to relax, inhale and let everything go, heck see the wrinkles I have now because of your worrying too much? Let me tell you 5 things that you should never forget my dear;”

  1. Stop bringing yourself down. Would you allow anyone to call you stupid, say hurtful things about you on your face and just let them get away with it? Of course you wouldn’t! But you feel it’s okay to hurl insults to yourself. See that pole over there?” I turned around to look at it, as she handed me some grease (it’s a dream, don’t ask where the grease came from) she then told me to apply some on the pole, and then try climbing it. I couldn’t do it. “You see my dear,” she continued laughing, “How you always bring yourself down, thinking you’re not worth anything, you’ll always end up trying to climb that pole in life. That’s what negative thinking does.”

  1. Let go of your so called friends. I know this may sound a little bit harsh, but have they added any meaning to your life?” I told her some have; she went on as if she didn’t hear anything I said. “The ones you say you trust have they earned that trust? Why do you confide in them and yet they end up gossiping about you to everyone? All they do is bring you down. I thought you knew friends are like sponges thrown in a pool of water, you either absorb their good or bad traits. Now, are they worth calling friends?”

  1. Love yourself.” (I don’t mean fap) but when was the last time you treated yourself to something nice for all the hard work you do? You have a beach here, why don’t you take advantage of it? Relax, switch your phone off, get a good book to read and just enjoy the sound of the waves. That man you have been stressing over. Is he worth it? Look at you V; do you honestly think the forbidden fruit you have been eating is the sweetest? When I look at you, I see you eating more of Poison Ivy than the forbidden fruit. Love yourself enough to know your worth.”

  1. When was the last time you told mum you loved her and not just put up a stupid update or tweet saying how much you do when you know she’s not on Facebook or Twitter? Call her and tell her that. She needs to know you appreciate her for everything she’s done for you. And our brothers and sisters, do you remember they always put up with you through your worst. Don’t forget that and treat your friends like they are more important than family. In the end family will always be there for you.”

  1. You are not perfect. Remember that; don’t act like you haven’t wronged anyone. Apologize, let go of all the grudges you have and work on your relationship with God. He knows you are far from perfect, yet he’s never given up on you. Know your worth in life, V.”

I wish there was a way I would have recorded that dream, it was so real because I was/I’m in that point in life where I need to let go of all the negative burdens and things going on around me. Maybe I had that dream because my grandma is 94 and sick lately and I’m always worrying about her, but whatever the case, the advice I got was practical. Know your worth in life.

About the Author: Switcheeks (twitter handle) aka Marion aka Viona or V as she has called herself here is the founder and Executive Producer of Act Like A Facebook Girl; Think Like A Twitter Woman. She is a great writer, is witty and funny and I will let you judge that by yourself by directing you to her blog, Vionna’s Watching.

The Six Women to Avoid


She don’t believe in shootin’ stars,
but she believe in shoes & cars.
Wood floors in the new apartment,
couture from the store’s department

Kanye West

Have you ever stopped to wonder why single people have the best advice on relationships? Well, it’s simple actually. You start by wondering then you get to a point and just decide to stop (wondering). So the other day, I was busy doing nothing and basically minding my own damn business as I usually do when out of nowhere, my intelligent friend ascofu comes up with a post advising ladies not to date certain people who have characteristics similar to us. And for a while, I felt betrayed. Here is someone playing for your team but advising the opponents how best to beat your best defender etcetra etcetra. The wonderful captain that I am, I will try and help my team beat the opponents, though I must admit it will be difficult not only because of the secrets ascofu has shared but also because of the fact that I have never played for the other team. Gentlemen, I present the six women to avoid.

 

The Gold Digger aka Kardashian

If there was any justice in the world, we would have accomplished these two things: eliminated this species from the human race and eliminate idiots who need me to explain how bad this species is. For the sake of our great grand children who will hopefully grace the face of this planet when this species will have joined the dinosaurs and unwealthy MPs in the list of extinct things, I will briefly explain what they are. They are omnivorous, which means they eat everything. If they could, they would eat your money, but they do not since they have better use for it. You will pay all her bills, all her parents bills and her last born brother’s fees, sometimes without even knowing. The bad part is that you will not be the only man she is gold digging. The worst part is that she might be spending your money with another lazy idiot somewhere who has not job and lives a better life than you. Be careful Turkana folks, they are coming to oil dig you and I do not mean literally.

 

The Cinderella Girl

She spends half of her day watching those alejandro bull craps and expects a grown @$$ African man to do those idiotic things in the name of crap she believes is love. The only prince charming on a white horse I have heard of is on that Dido song. If you get yourself this lady, it does not matter how you treat her. The benchmark is way too high for any living man. These are the girls who expect you to fly from where you work in Mombasa to bring her an umbrella in her office in Nairobi since it is raining. She expects you to love neither of these things: sports, alcohol and women. How in this day and age is it possible to not love at least one of those three things?

 

The Slut

So you go out clubbing and you meet a girl for the first time and chipo her. It does not matter how good she was (in bedminton or in person), she is not girlfriend material. Do not, ever, call her unless you are asking what you are to do with her passport that she accidentally left at your place. In short, if she holds the record of the shortest time between meeting and bedding, she is a no-no. Period!

 

The Super Hot Girl

Now, I know you are confused, but let me explain. There are hot girls you can date and then there are the super hot girls who know they can replace you in a day if you screw up. DO NOT DATE THE SUPER HOT ONES! A girl should be a little bit insecure but if she knows she has no or little competition, you may be in trouble. That aside, here are two main reasons why the super hot girl is not suitable for you:

  • A super hot girl is like a trophy you win after a very tough tournament. (think of it like the champions league). The thing is that soon, you have to defend your trophy in the next tournament and we know that even the current Barcelona side with their sexy football has not been able to defend the Champions league trophy. My point is that you will be competing with every Tom, Dick and Harry for the attention of the girl and most of the daring ones will probably have more to offer the girl than you.
  • Just as marriage is the main course of divorce, relationships are the main causes of break ups. When you break up, generally, whether you are a girl or a guy, you need to upgrade, ie get a better looking person. Trust me, there is nothing as wonderful as bumping into your ex a month after breaking up in the arms of another guy/girl who is hotter than they ever will be. The problem with dating a super hot girl is that upgrading will definitely take time spotting, let alone getting to displace someone who has claim to the trophy. Woe unto you if you are the one meeting your ex in the arms of another guy.

 

The Married Woman

It is okay to try date a single girl. Heck, if you get a chance at dating a super hot girl, disregard my earlier advice and go for it. It is okay to try and slice a girl from that dude you hate for landing the girl of your dreams. But do not date a married woman! It shows how pathetic you are in that you find it cool to share her with someone else. It is so disgusting, I have to go puke before I continue with this post.

 

The Drunkard and Chain Smoker

I am not saying a girl is not supposed to drink but if a drinking competition was to be done between her and your relatives currently alive (to your fourth cousins), and she would win hands down, then, she is not in your league. My personal view is that girls should not smoke as much as guys should not watch soaps. If things go well, but mostly badly, she may carry your baby and we all know what cigarettes do to the body.

 

The list is not exhaustive. There are many girls not to date, like the celebs that are on pulse or zuqka every week; sugar mommies, your brothers’ and boys’ girlfriends and exes etc. I am sure you know many more, kindly share in the comments section and you will receive a reward of nothing.

 

THE DAY’S

Quote: The reason why women will never start proposing is because, the moment they get on their knees men will start unzipping – nir4shah.

The Score Sheet


A man in the house is worth two in the street.

 

The day that guys love to hate, Valentines (or, if you like, Extortion) Day is around the corner. As a result, I thought it wise to talk about the interaction between guys and girls. As it is said, girls are like mobile phones……..if and when you press the wrong button, you will get disconnected. You will be having a wonderful candle lit dinner at a five star hotel until when your eyes accidentally spot another girl. You will try as much as you can to bring back your eyes to your girl, but damage will have been done. That “mistake” will cost you a lot of things and you will wish you had not taken her out in the first place! Punishment depends on the level of drama queen-ness of the girl, ranging from being slapped to wine being poured on your new white shirt to a combination of these two and her leaving you and making sure everyone knows you area jerk. In all cases, you will have to pay her bill, and start thinking of an expensive apology gift!

 

Guys on the other hand, are different. We will accumulate the wrongs, then one day, when we cannot take it anymore, we will find ourselves a better girlfriend(s) and move on. Of course everyone will talk of how bad you have treated your (now) former girlfriend and how she loved you without knowing how much you had to sacrifice to put up with her B.S! For guys, everything a girl does earns her points. The points may be positive or negative, depending on what the girl has done. The points awarded for action X slightly differs among guys but most guys will award around the same points for the same action. Since I am cool like that, I decided to pen down a few actions and the approximate points ladies will earn:

 

  1. Send a text (5)
  2. Send a text and you are my mpango wa kando (-10) (Leaves evidence on my phone)
  3. Send a text with the words “love” and “you” in it and remembering not to include the word “don’t” (10)
  4. Not sending a text (0) (10 if you are mpango wa kando)
  5. Replying my texts (3)
  6. Replying my text over five hours after it has been sent (1)
  7. Not replying my text or replying my text over 24 hours after I sent it (-20) (and I start looking for the phone number of the chick who has been flirting with me)
  8. Calling me the name of your ex, brother, father or any other male name that is not mine in a text (-20)
  9. Using the word “lol” in a text (-2.5)
  10. Using the word “lol” in a text, and using it out of context (-6.25)
  11. Not taking my call for whatever reason (-8)
  12. Not taking my call, and not calling back three hours later (-8.75)
  13. Not taking my call and not bothering to call back (-23.45) (AND YOU HAD BETTER BE DEAD!!!)
  14. Bringing me breakfast in bed (52.5) (mmmhhh…..I like)
  15. Bringing me breakfast in bed and it is something I like (81.75) (mmmhhh…..I very much like)
  16. Bringing me breakfast in bed and there is something I hate (like Garlic) in it  (-5.75) (ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME??)
  17. Starting an argument (2.25) (Its expected…..I am used to it)
  18. Starting an argument about my ex (-23.45) (Why the hell do you have to bring the past……even if it was good while it lasted<sigh>)
  19. Admitting that I am right, and you have lost the argument (74.5) (It will probably never happen….wait, is there something you do not want me to know?…….or, Are you pregnant??)
  20. Continuing with the argument even after I have admitted to losing when I know I am right (-10)
  21. Returning a statement I say with “Whatever” or “pssshhh” or “talk to the hand” or just walking away (-11)
  22. Buying me a present for Valentines (5)
  23. Buying me a present for Valentines and expecting nothing in return (13.75)
  24. Not buying me a present for valentines (3.75)
  25. Not buying me a present for Valentine yet you expect several from me (-20)
  26. Buying me flowers for valentines (-14.5)
  27. Introducing me to your male friends (10)
  28. Introducing me to your male friends as your boyfriend (25)
  29. Introducing me to your male friends as your boyfriend with a hug and a kiss (45)
  30. I come home and you are looking gorgeous (35)
  31. I come home, you have cooked my favourite meal and you are looking gorgeous in the lingerie I bought you recently (50)
  32. But you are watching a soap (-7.25)
  33. You make all efforts to change the channel before I could see what you were watching (even though I have seen it) (13.75)
  34. You land to a sports channel (55) (or better yet you land on MUTV, then you get 45 more points )
  35. You land to a channel showing Nigerian movies (-130)
  36. After 32 above, you continue watching TV like nothing has happened (-15)
  37. I try looking for the remote and I realize you have hidden it (-26.25)
  38. After 33 above, you have recorded the match pitting my favourite team and any other team that I missed (45) (5 more points if you have bought my favourite drink that had run out to act as pop corn as I watch the match)
  39. You come home and find me watching a football game (7.5)
  40. You dare not interrupt, and decide to watch the game with me (20) (11.25 more points if you do it quietly without asking too many questions)
  41. You cheer the team I seem to be cheering (41.25)
  42. We win (40)
  43. And you shower me with hugs and kisses as if I was the player who scored the winning goal (60)
  44. If you decide to cheer the opposing team (11.25) (for agreeing to watch)
  45. My team loses (-2.5)
  46. You console me (-3.75)
  47. You laugh at me (-28.75)
  48. After 39 above, you locate the remote and change the channel (-26.75)
  49. To the channel showing the live game between my team and any other team that I had forgotten the time it will start (35)
  50. After 48 above, to a channel showing a soap or a Nigerian movie (-82.5)

 

These are just a few things, there are many more that earn girls points. Let me know what action and approximately which points a girl will get in the comments section. No points for guessing which action gets the girl the jackpot of 1000 points!

 

THE DAY’S

 

Disclaimer: I will be indebted to these three guys whose suggestions were too good to be ignored in the making of this post: KevMotz, NdubiAbenga and Jose

 

Quotes: My girlfriend is still mad at me because I called her fat last month! Well you know what they say…Elephants never forget!

I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV – Tracy Smith

 

 

Bad is the New Good


Every bad boy was once good till he met a bad girl who had been a good girl till she met a bad boy who had been a good boy till he met a bad girl….

 

It is said that a great Nigger story always starts with “Nigger, you will not believe this issht!” A vintage greatrnk story will most likely start with one day I was busy doing nothing and basically minding my own business when I was brought to the attention of a blog post by deestinguished titled ‘To All Nice Guys who Only Make the Best Friends List!’ My good conscience could not allow me to read that post because the title itself tells you this post discriminates against the weak (nice guys) in the society and I would have none of it. A few hours later, Diasporadical posted ‘Because Good Men Exist‘ and I thought someone had spoken for the ‘weak!’ How wrong I was!

I got someone – who knows my limits well – to read out the post by deestinguished (after I saw her comment on DR that she had written something similar) so that he could tell me the contents – At least the things that will not make him spend a few cold nights in a mortuary and thereafter, eternity in a 6 foot hole as a result of my anger. The post basically calls the nice guys stupid (but in a diplomatic and nice way) for among other things that include “escorting their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never taking advantage once they’re at her door!” It was a sad day in the kingdom of Nice Guys! DR on the other hand argued from another point of view. “Everyone thinks men are up to no good. Especially women,” he said, before adding this paragraph:

“It makes things very complicated for people in relationships when everything they say or do can and will be used against them in a court of love. You can’t buy her a gift because you’ll be covering something up. You can’t not buy her something cause you’re neglecting her. You can’t talk about other women because you may be cheating. You can’t not talk about other women because you may be cheating. You can’t pick up a phone call from an ex who’s now married with 10 kids because she’s an ex and that may mean something. And you can’t not pick up because she’s an ex and that may also mean something……In many cases, a good guy can’t get a girl if he tries. He has to come with a Certificate of Authenticity, a Warranty and several signatory stamps of approval!”

It is then that I wept for the nice guy and decided to do something about it. I had to talk for the weak. Unfortunately, there was nothing to talk about. The only solution available if you are nice/good is to join the bad guys, and as you will see, it is not hard if you follow some of these rules below:

Switch to the best option: Being Bad!!!

1. Stop listening to gay boy band music such as Crapstreet boys, Wastelife, N (Toilet) Sink and this other stupid chick called Bustin Jieber. That is the reason you are nice in the first place! Somehow get yourself to forget the lyrics of the songs of the above artists, even if it means getting yourself into an accident that will make you suffer from selective amnesia. Replace your music library with John Legend or James Blunt. Here is why. “I don’t have a fancy car, to get to you I’ll walk a thousand miles” is crap by crapshit goats telling her YOU ARE A BROKE NIGGER!!! On the other hand, look at the following lyrics by John Legend:

  • You can’t say I don’t love you, just because I cheat on you….
  • You’ve been my best friend can we put this to bed then, tonight’s the night to cross the line…
  • I know we just met but baby could u love me quickly…

2. Get an ego or buy one at whatever cost! The bigger, the better!

3. Know how to use your phone. At no time should there be two missed calls from you on a chick’s phone. If she refuses to pick, thou shalt not call again until the time that it will deem her fit to call. No Please Call Me texts on your girlfriend’s phone even if she is the current president and you are a beggar and you have just pick pocketed your first mobile phone!

4. If you accidentally find your come-we-stay-girlfriend/wife watching a soap or a Nigerian movie (I am assuming you know it is illegal for a guy to watch), you have two options: If you belong to the “We-effing-have-it-all class”, get a bottle of your (unopened) most expensive wine that she knows you like and smash the screen with it. Then call Sony/JVC and ask them to deliver a bigger plasma screen TV in the morning. If you belong to the “Have-some class”, go to the local and come back either after midnight or when you get her 10th missed call, whichever comes last.

I know some people now hate me but girls have proved time and time again that being nice will not pay. You have to be mean, so lets focus on the goal!

5. Roll out with the baddest (I know that is not good English) guys. If they do drugs, good, if one of them has a crime record, perfect!

6. Do not care to remember birthdays of female friends. If you have a girlfriend, make sure that in a year, you “forget” at least one of the following: Her Birthday, Valentines day and your anniversary (sic). You should not remember the stupid anniversaries (the first argument, the first time you were rained on together, the first time you ‘rescued’ her by killing a spider in her apartment etc)

7. Any attempt at blackmail should be reciprocated by you leaving the room and not forgetting to slam the door.

If She Plays You Like Agnes aka OMG: Do not wait to hear her explanation or apology. It is simply over. Instead, start working on the revenge. The revenge should be so bad that any attempted revenge by her should seem like a new born punching Mike Tyson! If it does not include you and all her best friends starting with the one who is hotter than her, then it is not revenge, at least not yet!

THE DAYS:

Disclaimer: I do not mind if you judge me by this post or not. If you have not, that is good of/for you; if you have, we all know you have bigger problems ahead. Judging is a sin punishable by burning in hell for life!

Quote: Some things are better left unsaid … like those times you criticize me.

Just a Few Rules for Guys and Girls


Conscience is the guardian in the individual of the rules which the community has evolved for its own preservation – William Somerset Maugham

The first thing God did after getting the Israelites out of Egypt was to come up with a list of rules they could follow. Fortunately for them, the rules were only 10 but unfortunately fornication and adultery was among them. The thing about us humans is that we need rules so that we can break them. I have always thought that had Adam not been told not to eat of the forbidden fruit, we would still be in Eden. While there are rules that can be broken, there are others that cannot. Under no circumstances are they to be broken, even if a life depends on it. These rules are different for the two different genders, and while I am sure you have heard/know/practice them, a reminder every now and then does no harm.

Here are the rules for men and women

Men : Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you are on equal footing, either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

Women : You shall never go to the washroom without at least one other girlfriend from your group.

Men : It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss’ car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”.
e. When she is using her teeth.

Women : It is okay if you cry under ANY and ALL circumstances. It is allowed.

Men : No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate’s birthday is strictly optional.

Women : You must remember the birthdays and anniversaries of all your friends. If you forget your girlfriends’ first date anniversaries you may be ignored for 6 months.

Men : If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.

Women : Your best friend’s brother, boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, love interest, ex- love interest is immediately off limits.

Men : If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you had better be talking about his choice of beer.

Women : It is acceptable for a woman to compliment another woman on how she looks. The word “cute” is encouraged. After complimenting another woman, it is permitted that you turn around and bitch about her to your best friend.

Men : Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both – that is just greedy.

Women : When a woman says, “Does anyone want this last piece of pizza?” she is really saying, “Someone please eat this before I do because it will make me fat.”

Men : The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you would know what I want!” gets a Play station II. End of story!

Women : A woman will never tell a man exactly what she is thinking. The man is expected to read the woman’s mind. You must not tell him why you are upset at him. Are you crazy?

Men : If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, and will, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.

Women : You can fantasize about Daniel Craig or want Brad Pitt to take off his shirt in a movie forever. The guy cannot watch Beyonce dance on TV.

Men : You have not made any mistake if you find that there are extra pieces after reassembling or assembling an object. In fact, you have just found a way to make that object more efficient.

Women : It is okay if you can’t use a piece of technology after reading the ENTIRE instruction manual. It is perfectly normal.

Men : No man shall spend more than 2 minutes in front of a mirror. If more time is required, a three minute waiting period must be allowed before returning to the mirror.

Women : When a woman says, “I will be ready in five minutes,” she really means, “I will be ready in half an hour.”

I hope that Men will adhere to these rules and others. I am not FIDA and hence cannot speak for the other gender.

THE DAY’S

Quote : The Exorcist – not the first time a Catholic priest ties a little girl to a bed.

Other Men Rules:

1. Bros before girls. Girlfriends come and go, but your boys are always there.

2. You must never own a cat. And you must never like your girl’s cat.

3. If you get two tickets to the big game, the priority list for granting the second ticket is as follows: 1. Your best friends (in order of how long you have known them). 2. Your acquaintances. 3. Your co-workers……. 8. Mwai Kibaki…….. 35. NSIS…… 1,325,476. Your girlfriend.

4. No PDA (Public Display of Affection) – Yes another girl can stand the sight of you (and congratulations for that), but you need not wear her like she is the bloody World Cup trophy you just won!

5. When out with your boys, never accept a call from your girlfriend…..unless she is dying or trapped under a burning fuel track, and in that case…keep it short!

6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at rugby, and your beer is getting wet, then, for the drinking period only, it is permissible.

7. Bros before girls – I know I have said this before but I have to say it again.