Bad is the New Good


Every bad boy was once good till he met a bad girl who had been a good girl till she met a bad boy who had been a good boy till he met a bad girl….

 

It is said that a great Nigger story always starts with “Nigger, you will not believe this issht!” A vintage greatrnk story will most likely start with one day I was busy doing nothing and basically minding my own business when I was brought to the attention of a blog post by deestinguished titled ‘To All Nice Guys who Only Make the Best Friends List!’ My good conscience could not allow me to read that post because the title itself tells you this post discriminates against the weak (nice guys) in the society and I would have none of it. A few hours later, Diasporadical posted ‘Because Good Men Exist‘ and I thought someone had spoken for the ‘weak!’ How wrong I was!

I got someone – who knows my limits well – to read out the post by deestinguished (after I saw her comment on DR that she had written something similar) so that he could tell me the contents – At least the things that will not make him spend a few cold nights in a mortuary and thereafter, eternity in a 6 foot hole as a result of my anger. The post basically calls the nice guys stupid (but in a diplomatic and nice way) for among other things that include “escorting their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never taking advantage once they’re at her door!” It was a sad day in the kingdom of Nice Guys! DR on the other hand argued from another point of view. “Everyone thinks men are up to no good. Especially women,” he said, before adding this paragraph:

“It makes things very complicated for people in relationships when everything they say or do can and will be used against them in a court of love. You can’t buy her a gift because you’ll be covering something up. You can’t not buy her something cause you’re neglecting her. You can’t talk about other women because you may be cheating. You can’t not talk about other women because you may be cheating. You can’t pick up a phone call from an ex who’s now married with 10 kids because she’s an ex and that may mean something. And you can’t not pick up because she’s an ex and that may also mean something……In many cases, a good guy can’t get a girl if he tries. He has to come with a Certificate of Authenticity, a Warranty and several signatory stamps of approval!”

It is then that I wept for the nice guy and decided to do something about it. I had to talk for the weak. Unfortunately, there was nothing to talk about. The only solution available if you are nice/good is to join the bad guys, and as you will see, it is not hard if you follow some of these rules below:

Switch to the best option: Being Bad!!!

1. Stop listening to gay boy band music such as Crapstreet boys, Wastelife, N (Toilet) Sink and this other stupid chick called Bustin Jieber. That is the reason you are nice in the first place! Somehow get yourself to forget the lyrics of the songs of the above artists, even if it means getting yourself into an accident that will make you suffer from selective amnesia. Replace your music library with John Legend or James Blunt. Here is why. “I don’t have a fancy car, to get to you I’ll walk a thousand miles” is crap by crapshit goats telling her YOU ARE A BROKE NIGGER!!! On the other hand, look at the following lyrics by John Legend:

  • You can’t say I don’t love you, just because I cheat on you….
  • You’ve been my best friend can we put this to bed then, tonight’s the night to cross the line…
  • I know we just met but baby could u love me quickly…

2. Get an ego or buy one at whatever cost! The bigger, the better!

3. Know how to use your phone. At no time should there be two missed calls from you on a chick’s phone. If she refuses to pick, thou shalt not call again until the time that it will deem her fit to call. No Please Call Me texts on your girlfriend’s phone even if she is the current president and you are a beggar and you have just pick pocketed your first mobile phone!

4. If you accidentally find your come-we-stay-girlfriend/wife watching a soap or a Nigerian movie (I am assuming you know it is illegal for a guy to watch), you have two options: If you belong to the “We-effing-have-it-all class”, get a bottle of your (unopened) most expensive wine that she knows you like and smash the screen with it. Then call Sony/JVC and ask them to deliver a bigger plasma screen TV in the morning. If you belong to the “Have-some class”, go to the local and come back either after midnight or when you get her 10th missed call, whichever comes last.

I know some people now hate me but girls have proved time and time again that being nice will not pay. You have to be mean, so lets focus on the goal!

5. Roll out with the baddest (I know that is not good English) guys. If they do drugs, good, if one of them has a crime record, perfect!

6. Do not care to remember birthdays of female friends. If you have a girlfriend, make sure that in a year, you “forget” at least one of the following: Her Birthday, Valentines day and your anniversary (sic). You should not remember the stupid anniversaries (the first argument, the first time you were rained on together, the first time you ‘rescued’ her by killing a spider in her apartment etc)

7. Any attempt at blackmail should be reciprocated by you leaving the room and not forgetting to slam the door.

If She Plays You Like Agnes aka OMG: Do not wait to hear her explanation or apology. It is simply over. Instead, start working on the revenge. The revenge should be so bad that any attempted revenge by her should seem like a new born punching Mike Tyson! If it does not include you and all her best friends starting with the one who is hotter than her, then it is not revenge, at least not yet!

THE DAYS:

Disclaimer: I do not mind if you judge me by this post or not. If you have not, that is good of/for you; if you have, we all know you have bigger problems ahead. Judging is a sin punishable by burning in hell for life!

Quote: Some things are better left unsaid … like those times you criticize me.

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24 thoughts on “Bad is the New Good

  1. after reading all the above nonsense with an arched brow and and indelible smirk, the following statement made me laugh to near tears – ‘if you have (judged me) we all know you have bigger problems ahead…burning in hell for life!’ now you can go about your business without fear of judgement from me

  2. You should watch an episode of Two and a Half Men where Charlie was good. My God! It backfired so bad on him. In short, good doesn’t pay

  3. You are not sane. I am rolling over with laughter. There is nothing wrong with being a nice guy. My post actually gives them a little bow.
    ”….. I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, and your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, insane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgment, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming…..”

    • Your post actually gives them a LITTLE BOW, then proceeds to bash them. They say a diplomat will tell you to go to hell and you will look forward to the trip. That is what you did.

  4. I appreciated this post for the humour only. A very wise lady said today, and I quote her “Bad boys are overrated. I’d take a nice guy with an edge ANY DAY.” I agree with her 200%. Good read nonetheless.

    • The female species has succeeded in confusing me. As a very wise guy said sometime back and I quote him, “women cannot be understood because men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.” I agree with him 200%. Thanks for dropping by.

  5. Humorous stuff. That said…

    I generally don’t advocate for being bad. It’s not worth it.

    I mean, all due respect to women, I’m not going to get scruffed and tatted up just to get some tang. I’ve got a life outside chasing women in which I’m doing perfectly fine as I am. To compromise me to please you is not in my plan.

    My general advice: be yourself, unapologetically so, and you’ll find your fit. Like Shek said, ‘a nice guy with an edge’. No one is smooth all round and no one is jagged to the core. There is a balance. Find it. Live by it. Enjoy the fruits of being it.

    Dope post though.

  6. it’s not just guys, girls too, as i say good girls go to paradise, bad girls go everywhere, and good guys are just never in the same race that’s why they never finish, they are just stallin. Again i heard that a nice guy is just a patient wolf, he’ll turn out bad. Nice pointers to switchin to the best bad option.

    • At least there is a girl who agrees with what I have written, even though I am now very confused.

      However, in the words of Shek, “Bad girls are overrated. I will choose a nice girl any day!”

  7. haha. How come i’v not found your blog until now? wa wa. Toooo funny. Woishe. Us girls actually LOVE nice guys. We lust after bad bois, and we generally enjoy just havin fun with em…to a point. Eventually one gets tired of the drama and the two timing, and runs screaming, gratefully into the warm embrace of a nice guy. And once one has truly felt the straight forward, no strings attached, infinite love of a nice guy, there ain’t no goin back.

    Disclaimer: Nice guys Must NOT be toooooooooo nice. I.e if you let me walk over you, I will not respect you. Cause an argument once in a while, forget a stupid anniversary from time to time, you know, switch things up a little. Because too nice can be boring. 🙂

    • The problem is knowing the border of being nice and being bad. For guys, thats’s a challenge. I guess your theory is also true of our view of girls. There is girlfriend material and wife material. We lust after girlfriend material but end up settling with wife material.

  8. Pingback: The Best of The Greatrnk « The Greatrnk

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