All in a Saturday

Men for the sake of getting a living forget to live – Margaret Fuller

Disclaimer: This is one of those posts that should not be read because it is boring and inspired by the girl who writes this. She claimed that I do very few personal posts and I decided to do five in a row. This must be the sixth and the second last. Anyway, read on and get bored or look for another post, the choice is yours. Remember I said I will be writing what I want.

Last month, I missed mindspeak and vowed to attend this month’s (September). However, as fate would have it, that was not going to happen. I found myself with five activities to accomplish on Saturday:

1. Wake up (that is an activity. I mean it is a Saturday, I could as well spend it in bed);

2. Take my bro to see his sister (as it was his last weekend. His sister happens to be mine, for the sake of the few idiots who are reading);

3. Go with my bro to see my former teacher (That is proof enough I was bright in school. I do not take cover when someone who looks like a brother to a former teacher miraculously shows up on the road I am using);

4. Go to a party that I had been invited like two weeks back. (I do not know why I accepted before checking who was playing in the EPL. Turns out it was Chelsea and Man City Aaargh)

5. Get my bro home. (Notice that it is a Saturday and there is a party. A high likelihood of this event happening on Sunday morning).

Let us fast forward to event 4. (Events 2 and 3 did not take place anyway). The arrangement was that I should call Sandra (the host of the bash) when I reached Location X so that she can come to pick us (me and my bro, Edward). As we approached Location X, I saw Linda and her pal Angela, also waiting to be picked by Sandra. Linda was looking hot as usual. I did not bother to tell her that, she has heard it many a time from every Tom, Dick and Harry and I do not fall to that subset. (use google if you do not understand). Angela was equally hot with a 95.4% confidence interval and 3% margin of error. The margin of error takes into account that I am seeing her for the first time and she may be slightly hotter/less hot the second time.

After eternity less 5 minutes, Sandra did show up, looking “like a beautiful doll” and we proceeded to her crib. The first thing you want to ask as you enter that house is “Where did you steal all these things, and how can I do the same?” There was something for everyone to like/admire. Angela loved the carpet, Linda loved the curtains (that i still do not recall what colour they were or how they looked) while I loved the extra huge plasma screen telly and home theatre. I was looking forward to Sandra doing as I had asked here as she had promised. The other notable thing that I noticed was read this.

Apparently, we were early (even though in real sense) we were an hour late. The girls (Linda and Angela) decided we watch a movie. The movie that we watched was flawed in all ways. NO guns, NO cars and er FEW women. The only gun scene was someone acting like SHE does not know how to use one. Just three shots fired, no one injured! The only scene with a car lasted 3 seconds because they wanted to kill someone in an accident. The movie revolves around 3 or 4 girls who are not thaaat hot. My guess is that the budget for it was like Ksh 123,000 only!

I learned this in the middle of the movie and boy was I glad. Nothing much happened except Sandra’s nephew entertaining us here and there. And Sandra finally dressing up for the bash and me thinking, “Time to keep your promise” (refer above). Timothy finally joined us. (Notice that I am not talking about the guests I did not know before the bash…..except Angela). Timothy is in more ways like me, and in many more ways unlike me. He is like me in that his views are skewed as far away from everyone else’s view as possible. In order for him not to annoy people, (like me), he STFU or gives an expected comment on issues. He is unlike me in that he is a bit well fed. A rumour went round that he used to take birth control pills in the hope that his girlfriend would not get paged (instead of his girlfriend taking them) but that is a story for another day.

So if you are there and you are like, “Why the heck did this idiot do such a bad post? What is he yapping about anyway? Why did I not heed his advice and look for another interesting thing to read?” Well, worry no more, I am about to stop boring you. The main reason why I wrote this is from my chit chat with Timothy. As I was telling him how stressed I have been these last few days and how September has been the worst month of 2010 and how I had sent assassins to kill her (Her is my number one enemy. Another story, but no, I will not be telling it) but they had not been successful (I am still wondering what she gave them. How can four grown ups be out-muscled by a harmless girl), this is what he had to tell me (and I quote):

Moral of the story: You are stressed over nothing! I had a friend whom I was talking to about how I could not sleep because of Z. (at this point I was like, dude, do those things happen in real life?) The friend told me that I have run out of things that can stress me. She gave me her current situation. “I have two kids at home. I left no food. Right now I only have Ksh 50 and to get home, I will have to wait for the rush hour to end so that I can pay Ksh 30. Meaning I will be left with Ksh 20 when I get home.” When I heard this, I took Ksh 200 and gave her.


Quote: Why is it that women only believe what a man says when it’s a compliment?


This sums up my weekend


Indecent Proposal

Indecent Proposals; offers that you would rather not get from certain people. Ideas that make you uncomfortable, challenge your morals and make you question human nature.

Bold proposals that make you blush and then let that second question come to your mind: Where is the harm? The answer(s) to that question is what separates the risk takers from the proper ‘goody two shoes’. So, is Gaby a risk taking free spirit or is she a proper girl who will stick to human expectations and the moral standards that are  requirement at St. Hilary University…..

Indecent Proposals

‘What’s a beautiful girl like you doing in the ugliest part of Nairobi?’

‘And you?’ She sniggered. ‘What are you doing in the ugliest part of Nairobi?’

He lied that he lived somewhere around the block and had stopped off on his way home from campus—by sheer chance.

From that simple but calculated surprise, his spontaneous visits to the bar to see her graduated into statistical proportion. He even took to inventing workshops, and seminars in mitigating the new absences to his wife.

It went much further, for when you allow a leper to shake your hands beyond the elbow, they’ll be dying for an embrace. He talked about his boring marital sex life, sleeping in the same conjugal bed, and rousing at wee hours to his wife’s foul breath. If he had his democratic vote, he’d have chosen a bed for himself. The matrimonial bed is still the metaphor of the selfless nuptial union, and metaphors, for a prince to a pauper, are sacrosanct.

‘Every time I lie down next to my wife in that bed, I think about you.’ Said he on one occasion. ‘I fancy and fantasize about you lying down on my chest, and that makes me feel ashamed of myself.’

‘Is that the reason you want to sleep in a separate bed?’

‘You read my mind so easily. Yes, as far as East-is-to-West possible, for even to make love to you in my wet dreams gnaws my scruples to go on sleeping in the same bed as my wife.’

Read the rest here.

Aside from the Creekside story,this week we have a review of the TEDx event, held in Nairobi. Chiira Mainagives us a very good report on what happened there. If you don’t feel like you were actually there after reading this, you most probably will wish you were there. A win-win situation (so to speak).

On Poetic License, this week  is Poetic Wednesday: Proposal 2; We have poetry by Alfred Ochieng’,Dennis Kebu and Ikweri Anariko.Don’t hesitate to read and vote. These are three very profound poems.

Then there is the book review by Gideon Chumo. He gives us a very good preview of  Lysistrata, a play  by Greek Playwright Aristrophanes. A comedy that addresses some very weighty issues….issues that are very close to a woman’s heart and extremely close to a man’s mind. Indeed!

Finally, Marvin Tumbo is back this week and this time he has a bone to pick and break with the Kenya Tourism Board and it’s embarrassing effort at embracing social media. They made an equally absurd effort to defend their laxity with their presentation at the E-Tourism East Africa Conference. Read and get astonished….Kenya Tourism Board Slaughtered at E-Tourism East Africa Conference

Have a lovely weekend!

Do you have something to tell thePrincess out there? We welcome Mzee Articles: Pieces on personal experience overcoming trial or going through the staircase of life. We would also welcome Girl Royal Articles: How to and Skills from a personal perspective. Please drop us a line

The Princess Project – Ghosts From The Past

Ghosts can be friendly and frightful. The friendly visitors from the graves or our past usually come with good omens and bags of blessings. Then there are the horrid albeit wicked ghosts that never come with good tidings. In my experience, those are the persistent ones. They never seem to know when to leave reality and go back to their wooden boxes -which the haunted always remember sealing tightly and can’t comprehend how the darn creatures got out!-. Gaby’s ghosts are back from the past, one unpleasant; the other two very pleasant and welcome.

Ladies and gentlemen, Webisode 8 of Creekside Princess- The Big City

Ghosts From The Past

“Riiight,” Gaby flinched.

“Tafadhali boss.Sisi tuta shuka hapo mbele.Hapo Globe Cinema. Tutakuwa sawa.”

Gaby was shocked. This after all was Nairobi and they wanted to alight at a spot she never considered safe.

“Kalume, what do you mean by alighting there? Hapa sio Mombasa.Jiji kuna uhalifu mwingi sana.”

Jeff let the vehicle come to a slow halt just outside the City Council toilet. Leo came out and stood in the darkness with just the car’s interior lighting shining up against him. Kalume followed after giving Jeff a few  ‘protective’ words on Gaby’s behalf.

Sawa Jeff, mfikishe salama ama tutakusaka!”………………

Read the rest here.

This week we had a list of ten very insightful blogs. These blogs are run by Kenyan girls each with different content on different issues. Pay them a visit and I promise you will learn a thing or two at  Blogs By .ke Girls.

We also had an insightful article by Marvin Tumbo on the relationship between a stunning woman and a spanking hot website. Yes, these two have more in common than you think. Read and learn folk, Of Bounce Rates and Stunning Women. Turns out the phrase ‘eye candy’ applies to cyber space as well.

Lat stop this week is Poetic Wednesday: Too Good, Too Late; Three very good poems by David KagwiAlfred Ochieng’ and Dancun Nyongesa. Read and vote and read some more.

Enjoy your weekend too.

Do you have something to tell the stunning or  haunted Princess out there? We welcome Mzee Articles: Pieces on personal experience overcoming trial or going through the staircase of life. We would also welcome Girl Royal Articles: How to and Skills from a personal perspective. Please drop us a line

4 Facts about Actuarial Science

It is easier to become a professor in Actuarial Science than become an actuary – Dr. F. Onyango.

One day as I did what I know best – which is to mind my own business – I was punished by being the proud person to overhear two grown, educated men talk like it was a crime to be intelligent. Sample this:

MAN A: District X produces the creme de la creme students in the country. It has produced over 6,000 actuarialists (sic).

MAN B: They are called Actuarial  Engineers or Scientists!

I had to interject to save myself from all this non sense.

ME: They are called actuaries and I highly doubt…

Just before I had spat out my two sense, I was cut short by…

MAN B: Sasa wewe kijana unafikiri sisi tulizaliwa jana?*

I immediately got an urge to die a natural death or if not to atleast puke to save myself from any more B.S from these two guys. The questions that will always linger in my mind are: Why were stones wasted on Stephen (the first martyr) when we have worthy contenders for the price of Stoning? Why could not the killers of Tupac spare him and kill guys who are worthy to die for their chupidness? Since those two men could not listen to me as I had been born yesterday, I will atleast speak to you because, like me, you were born yesterday as the proud son/daughter of Mr and Mrs. Intelligence!

Here are a few facts about Actuarial Science:

1. Advice to kids in high school who want to be actuaries: If at one time in your life you hated mathematics (even for just one lesson), do yourself a favour and look for another career. The commandments that you need to follow to become anything near an actuary are just three: Love Mathematics as you love yourself. Love Calculus as above and Love Probability as above. If you still feel that with your small hate for mathematics, you can still cope, then go ahead. It is anyone’s duty to warn any kid of the consequences of a sharp blade. It is more fun to watch the spoilt little brat kid (if he is not your own) cry after the blade has cut him though.

2. In order to be an actuary, you have to pass some very difficult exams. Ask anyone who has attempted them and they will tell you how easy it is to fail when you have read, crammed and mastered everything concerning a particular paper. If you have not done the above three, you will UNDOUBTEDLY FAIL! Having a first class in Actuarial Science does not make you an actuary!

3. Numbers: Based on 1 and 2 above, it is highly unlikely that a certain district in the country can produce 6,000 actuaries. Infact, the number of students who have graduated with an Actuarial degree in East and Central Africa is less than 6,000. (these are no where near being called actuaries). More puzzling is the fact that there are less than 35,000 actuaries in the world! I hope there are others in other planets. Compare that with the over 300,000 teachers in Kenya alone. There are less than 15 actuaries in Kenya. (the actual figure is 11 but I have decided to add 4 incase 1 or 2 qualify in the next few years). Of these, only one did not study abroad. In summary, after completing your Actuarial degree, you have a 1 in 1000 chance of being an actuary. The probability of death is about 9 in 1000. which means you are more likely to die than to qualify as an actuary!

4. Having said that, being an Actuary is the best job . It was named the best career of 2007, and has been ranked atleast in the top 4 in the last 6 years. Find other honours here.

Also read Actuarial Science in Kenya by Lucy Muthoni.


NOTE: Elizur Wright is considered by many as the father of Actuaries/Actuarial Science. You can read about him here

Quote: click here and here

Disclaimer: Once in a while I think about semi-serious stuff. This was one of those whiles.

*Young man, do you think we were born yesterday?

The Storymoja Hay Festival 2010

Open to the general public, the Storymoja Hay Festival brings together writers, storytellers, environmentalists, poets, business leaders and education professionals to share stories and ideas. The festival will also be the culmination of a city-wide storytelling competition for young people (the Kwani Short Story Competition), the Storymoja Hay Poetry Competition, and a chance to engage with the Right to Read campaign to get a book in the hand of every Kenyan.

The 2010 Festival will feature over 60 events that are a must-see for Kenyans including some of your favorite local and international authors, media personalities and performers. A deliciously diverse sampling of participants that will be at the 2010 Storymoja Hay Festival event include: Benjamin Zephaniah, Tiffany Murray, Petina Gappah, Shailja Patel, Andy Middleton, Cat Weatherill, Katrice Horsely, Michela Wrong, Jane Bussmann, Aernout Zeverbergen, Sandra Mushi, Oyunga Pala, Sunny Bindra, Doreen Baingana, Ngwatilo Mawiyoo, Sitawa Namwalie, and many more!

There will be a children’s tent featuring books and activities for children with fun and interactive events for parents and children. Please read about the Education Programme for the 2010 Festival .

This year’s event takes place from Friday, October 1st through Sunday, October 3rd at the Railway Sports Club, next to Uhuru Park in Nairobi.

With only one month to go, the Storymoja 2010 Hay Festival promises to once again be the must-attend event for anyone who loves great books, performances and stimulating discussions.

Please check @storymoja on twitter or join our mailing list to be the first to hear further updates on our 2010 lineup.


Advance one day pass for the 2010 Storymoja Hay Festival are available for only Sh. 500. You can also buy a season ticket for all three days for Sh. 1,000. Tickets for the “Dine with the Stars” Launch event are also available. Buy them online via MPesa or Zap through Rachel’s Bargain Corner, or at selected retail outlets including Nakumatt, Uchumi and your favourite book stores.

See Program Schedule

Top local and international thinkers, writers, performers and media personalities. Over 60 events in 3 days of brilliance. Be a part of the 2010 international Storymoja Hay Festival, 1st to 3rd October at Railways Club, Nairobi. Get in touch and we will tell you how. Visit our blog or website, join our Facebook Page,or follow us on Twitter – follow #shfk.

8 Random Things About Me

So much of life, it seems to me, is determined by pure randomness – Sidney Poitier

Once upon a time, MizCassandra suddenly (and out of the blue) had a crush, I mean grudge against me and insisted that the only way I would get to heaven was by her forgiving me and the only way that would happen was by me doing one of two things on her birthday: Dedicating a whole post for her  or getting her a BIG/EXPENSIVE gift! Being the good guy that I am, I decided to do neither. Then she tagged me in this post, paid people to kidnap me and they are now forcing me to write this post on her birthday! So you should all know that I am writing this under duress.

Basically, I am supposed to write eight weird and/or random things about me that will make me look stupid before they let me go. Here goes:

1. When I am hungry, angry, bored, stressed, about to sleep, doing nothing, basically most of the time, I find myself sucking my tongue. I used to think I would stop the habit by the time I am old enough, then I stopped thinking. Oh, and I never ever sucked my thumb when I was small.

2. Behind my central incisors, there are other very small incisors. The dentists told me that they would disappear slowly with time. They were right, only they forgot to add the word ‘very’ between ‘disappear’ and ‘slowly’

3. If you want to torture me into telling you anything, just come with a syringe (do not bother getting a big one, just a small one). That is why I hate hospitals and self medicate myself when I am sick.

4. When I am stressed, I take chocolates. OK, it is Scientific, so do not look at me like I am responsible for making cocoa species in Ghana to become extinct. The level of stress is directly proportional to the bars of chocolates eaten.

5. I can almost multi-task. Let me rephrase that: I am better than the average guy and just fall short of the average girl in multi-tasking.

6. When I see a statement like “Am goin 2 kil smbdy who, whn its free 2 pst n’thn on fb or twitter, they stl shrtens wrds lyk they r bein chrgd” on any social site, I normally feel like throwing up or throwing my phone or monitor against a wall or floor, depending on what I am using. Why do people who are old enough to procreate insist on shortening everything they write?

7. I only like kids who are clean, sweet, not crying and who are being held by someone who happens not to be me. If by any chance you leave me with your kid, you will find them crying so that you do not make that mistake again.

8. I do not care about whether everyone calls it pessimism and say that it is bad, I will prepare for the worst possible outcome in all situations. There are people who do not believe there is a hell. I would rather believe there is one and find out there is none rather than believe there is none and find out there is one!


Bonus: A happy Birthday to MizMalaika aka MizCassandra (You can now tell them to let me go, I have done everything you have asked.)

Cool Blog: Me Myself and Isis

Quote: The world cannot end in 2012, I have a yoghurt that expires in 2013 – Papa Shango

I tag the following: No One