Guest Post: If My Laptop Could Talk

By Savvy Kenya

{These are not my thoughts but Z’s. My laptop told me to write this and I did}

Hi, my name is Z. Pronounced Zee/Zi. I was bought in the summer of 2009 (I’m just saying summer to sound cool, there is no such season in Kenya). I am black, slim and sexy. Well, in comparison to other HP laptops, you see, I’m a HP 550.

I was called Z after two animation characters, the first one being Z the failed ex-expert surfer in Surf’s Up, and the second is Z the Ant from the animation Antz which featured J.Lo’s voice.

Savvy loves me very much. I am never a few meters away from her most of the time. I know how she hates to lend me to people, I don’t like it either. I know one time she let me be used by this person who picked their nose and continued typing like nothing happened! No, I didn’t tell Savvy about it but I was annoyed as hell.

So I know you are dying to ask me questions like has Savvy ever stored porn in your secret areas? Do I have any hidden folders?

Okay, let me be honest. I do have a few hidden folders, but they are system folders! And I’ve never stored any porn in my hard drives, except maybe that students clip, and I wouldn’t classify that as porn! The worst it has ever come to is Spartacus. I didn’t mind displaying that on my screen for all viewers!

I was bought with Windows XP but thank God Savvy never got into the Vista madness. I couldn’t handle Vista’s demands for RAM, I only have 1GB you see and an Intel Celeron processor. However, when Savvy acquired a pirated copy of Windows 7 last year, it was just perfect for me and I was happy to be formatted and currently no one can complain my performance.

I am embarrassed (not!) to say that none of my software is paid for. Paying for software is like paying for sex… just thinking out loud.

There was a time I had issues of blacking out. No, I don’t drink, or take drugs. It was battery issues. Fortunately, I was still under warranty so my battery was replaced.

There are many things I could tell you about Savvy, the number of posts/poems/documents/assignments/projects that she has done using me is amazing. Let’s not forget the pictures, music, videos, movies, series that she put in my hard drives. I finally couldn’t take it anymore and asked her to get an external hard drive. I was becoming a dummy, just storing everything and anything. Now most of what I have is important stuff.

My biggest fear is that Savvy will replace me with a sexy Mac laptop. I’m not worried that she spends a lot of time on that Ideos phone of hers, there are many things I can do better than that phone. However, a Mac is real competition. As much as I wish for Savvy to be wealthy, I’m worried I’ll be left to gather dust in a corner somewhere, with only her brothers using me for FIFA 08 whenever they are home for the weekend.


Appreciation: I am very grateful to Savvy Kenya for doing this post. It is more like Christiano Ronaldo agreeing to do a testimonial match for Mike Okoth at Nyayo Stadium. She is a great writer, has met Rwanda’s President Paul Kagame, is a Leopards fan and most of all, reads (and loves) most (if not all) my posts. Do check her (better than mine) work on her website and read her interview.

Definition: Birth Certificate (noun): The only certificate you receive after other people’s efforts.

Quote: Teacher: Construct a sentence using the word ‘shy’. Student: Balidi iripozidi, Mwarimu alikunywa shy moto na idathi – Jared Kidambi. 


17 thoughts on “Guest Post: If My Laptop Could Talk

  1. what translator did Z use to get to you?! I’d really like to know coz mine dosen’t reply when I talk to him*_*. But that came from Z’s CMOS(heart), n I think Z should be kept as a souvenir after you get a Mac.

    • I created a Human-Machine Thoughts Translator (HMTT) mostly in C++ to convert Z’s electrical pulses (heartbeat) to human thoughts, and then output the words in sound form. I think I’m too attached to Z to let go!

  2. Dear 0101 1010 lets make a deal. I want your loyalty after Savvy leaves you…. You know she will but I’ll never let you go! Just take her to ebay and make her bid you off, I promise I’ll always take care of you’re hardware (forget the Windows I run Linux)

    Your secret admirer Bella.

    • {Z here}

      Dear Secret Admirer,

      I love Savvy very much and I’ll never leave her… so maybe I can help you find another machine for you?

  3. Dear 0101 1010 lets make a deal. I want your loyalty after Savvy leaves you…. You know she will but I’ll never let you go! Just take her to ebay and make her bid you off, I promise I’ll always take care of your hardware (forget the Windows I run Linux)

    Your secret admirer Bella.

  4. Wow Z. Your battery spoilt before the warranty ran out? How HPish! But at least you have served Savvy well, unlike another bitch over there I know. Subcomment

  5. Dear z,
    just between the two of us are you sure there’s no porn anywhere?ever?… I doubt savvy would let you collect dust.she likes you.:-). keep helping her put a smile on my face. maybe someday she’ll get to hear my corny jokes and have me reciprocate.

    Banana man.

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