My First Breath as a Dead Man

Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying. Then we might live life to the limit, every minute of every day. Do it! I say. Whatever you want to do, do it now! There are only so many tomorrows – Pope Paul VI

I have had dreams, I have had nightmares
Some I remember but none as clear as this
This strangely is not a nightmare at all to me
This is my first breathe as a deadman

I rise up and take my first gasp
Oh my God, what is my body doing down there?
Its clear as light that am no longer alive
But also clear is that am not dead

How I died is still a blurr
But from where I rose, I know it was not far
I wonder if am already missed
mmhh!!! ofcourse what is there not to miss

I did not believe any of this when I was still alive
But then again why am I the only one here?
Is this the place where they keep those of little faith?
And out of billions there was only one?

The darkness is so thick I could hear it speak
But alas a dense light captures my sight
I hear voices, oh I am not alone
but then they fade away, what is going on?

I see angels all around me
But the light is turning out to be blinding
Movies convinced me that I would find them singing
strangely they were just there…….. talking

Suddenly it was all clear to me
I was never dead just in surgery
So i guess, till this day I await
My first breathe as a dead man

YoungJoey (c)2010

THE DAY’S

Quote: Why is it that you always here about a B.P oil spill but never a budweiser beer spill? – Anonymous.

Definition: Divorce (n) -From the Latin word meaning to rip out the man’s genitals through his wallet.

Hero/Zero: I have decided to do away with this part from now henceforth.

My name is rnk, Greatrnk

A rose by any other name would still smell like a rose!

Add this to your rule book: Pay no attention to my headings!

It is amazing how someone can come up with a false quote and not only get away with it but also get famous for it. I did not write the name of the person who came up with the above quote because I do not know him and so as not to be among those who made him famous. Imagine if a rose was called a name like vichirenje or shamakhokho, do you honestly believe it would smell like a rose? I do not think so!

So one day, I get a facebook inbox message and friend request with no mutual friends from a guy called Luhaz saying, “I see you still use that name?” The first thought that came to mind was who the hell is this lunatic and how the makmende did he find me? A few chit chats later and I learn, or rather he tells me he is my cousin from I do not know where and other bullcrap information about his great grandad being a brother to my great grandad! I was patient enough to take all that nonsense until he apologised that he would be removing me as friend because all his campo clandes, drink buddies and friends at MO1 Campo know him by the name Luhaz and by having a friend called Luhazwa, which he considers a bad name, would be bad for his resume! I could care less if he chucked me as a friend. I only care if the person removing me is a hot chick and we are in a mpango wa kando wa inbox that the boyfriend does not know about. What I could not understand, and this is what made me angry to the point that I looked at my phone and suddenly the screen melted before I threw it against the wall and proceeded to stamp on the ground as hard as I could with chants of shindwe, shindwe pepo mbaya riswa! – all this in my head, is why a lunatic raised in shagzville all his life could disown his shagzmanic (stop googling that word, it has only come into existance a few seconds after I have written it) name while me, whose total accumulated time in shagz ever since I was safely introduced to this planet was less than six months, had no problem using it! Oh, if you are in MO1 Campo, and you know a guy called Luhaz who calls himself your friend or boyfriend, know he has been lying to you about his name for four years now!

Names, I agree impact our daily lives, how people view us and even success later in life. A survey in the States found out that people whose names started with ‘A’ or ‘B’ were on average more successful and lived longer by a whole 9 years than those whose names started with a ‘D’ Why? Because the education system grades A or B as success while D is a fail! Which brings me to my second story. My five year old cousin was called Lucy until she watched a Nigerian movie (Pray, how the hell do you allow your five year old to see a Nigerian Movie? Wait, how do you have a Nigerian film anywhere in the radius of 100 metres from your compound? And before I forget, those guys from West Africa sending me mail about inheritance money, trustee and bank account nonsense, please stop! I am Kenyan, and not from the Republic of Dum Dum aka TZ) Back to my cuz storo. In the film, Satan was referred to as Lucifer and the young child’s mind interpreted her name, Lucy, to be short for Lucifer. She cried after the movie and declared she will be called Neema or if not Grace! I do not know how she knew, if she knew that is, that Neema is swahili for Grace. In that child’s brain, anyone called Lucy is Satan.

We also have the issue of the Nigerian President. (I do not have beef with Nigerians by the way, I just have beef with Nollywood.) How his parents decided to call him Goodluck is what the next scientists should be working on as their thesis papers. What were they thinking surely? Why could they not go to the Bible and pick a name there, I mean you can never go wrong with apostles: John, Matthew, Phillip, Judas (Ok, only call your son Judas as a last resort.) And how did Nigerians have someone called Goodluck as their Head of State? And you still expect me to watch or listen to crap or anything from that country (except asa). If you want your son to have good luck all his life, use the local language equivalent of that name. Imagine if Obama would have been called Blessings Obama! He would not have made it the Illinois Senator let alone President. Wait, he probably would….his dad is Kenyan!

There are other names that are guaranteed success. Like George. I mean, what other name can boast of two of the last four U.S Presidents? I know you know other success names, other failure names and other effed up or funny names. Let me know about them in the comments section.

THE DAY’S
Quote: The three fastest means of communication: TELephone, TELevision and TELL to woman. If you want a faster method, TELL her not to tell anyone.

Words: How fast can you guess these words?
1.boo_s
2.__ndom
3.f__k
4.p_n_s
5.pu_s_
6.s_x
Answers:
1.books
2.random
3.fork
4.pants
5.pulse
6.six
You got all six wrong didn’t you? You dirty minded pervets!

Hero/Zero: Harun – An unsung hero. Owe him more than I can repay in one lifetime, so I will just reduce the debt. Cool guy, loves God. Not many are as reliable as him.

Katiba Bora or Bora Katiba

I get so turned off by the constitutional debate because it is a good document in the wrong hands – Mutahi Ngunyi

It is political season in Kenya again and it is the constitution in focus AGAIN! Is it not amazing how we have managed to recycle the same old policies, bundled and packaged them differently and then called it REFORMS? This is Kenya and wonders never cease!

I have read the proposed draft constitution and for starters I must say I was disappointed. I was hoping that Kenya is renamed Eyjafjallajokull. I mean with all the political heat we are generating, and the hot air coming from every corner, I’m sure that by now we have formed some ash cloud. I have got a feeling that by the time the referendum is coming round, planes will not be flying into Kenya! People… We have been told over and over again that we should all read the draft and then make informed choices! Well… for the sake of my good readers, I have read the draft and even went ahead and appointed my very C.o.E (Committee of Ex-f**ks) to asses the document on my behalf. YES…my former clandes have come up with a most beautiful document that will be used to do voter mis-education. The full document can be found on www.blowinghotair.info.ke. For now… I however found the following tit bits interesting…

THE CHURCH

Is it not interesting how the church almost always finds a way to twist the term “African culture”? Whenever it suits them, they throw in the African Culture and they think we have all forgotten that until recently, things as mundane as the African drum were not allowed in church! Let us not even get to the “Altar boys” saga… Now… the church-one of the countries largest landowner- is dictating to its flock that they must say a big NO to the draft constitution. If I take you back a few years… I remember the former president having a rough time with the church over the issue of condoms. The former president said that he was a president of both “Christians and drunkards”. The church was quick, efficient and sharp in its response. They first corrected the former prez (MO1 who is siding with them now) that the opposite of Christians was not drunkards and then went ahead to bash the whole issue of condoms saying the former prez was advocating for an immoral citizenship! QUESTION… assuming we were to have had a referendum on condoms back then, which side do you think the church would have leaned on? How many politicians would have joined in the church bandwagon? YEAH… To the church, I simply say, “You have failed to read the tide and keep with the times of the ever changing population. You have your heads buried so deep in your backside that you cant see the obvious…”

ABORTION

Now…if you thought I’d become an erstwhile campaigner for YES… well, you are THINK AGAIN! I am strictly PRO CHOICE. I advocate for women’s rights. My disappointment here goes to the ever vocal FIDA. They are forever quick to jump to the fore when it comes to matters dealing with senior politicians-remember they made a name through the “baba Dennis” fiasco-but when it came to women’s rights in the constitution, they went silent! My thinking is that, the FIDA top cream thinks its well positioned politically because of the number of positions now available to women. They are silently eyeing a spot in the top echelons of government! I would have assumed that FIDA would have stood up for women’s rights as relating to matters of abortion. Instead, we have only heard from a bunch of men-the church-and another bunch of men-gynecologists! One reason I just might vote NO… is because abortion has not been legalized. Yes I have said! LEGALIZE ABORTION! How many women struggle with choices of child birth? Why bring someone into this earth that you know you can not take care of? Give the modern woman a choice. Give young girls a choice and chance. Educate them on the risks involved and the effects of abortion. Give them a good and decent choice. What we have instead, is young girls being mis advised by peers and going to back street and dingy clinics to get abortions done. I dare ask my women… ”If you want to get an abortion, would you know where to get one?” Chances are…you will say YES. So why again were women bullied by the church into submission? Why did women not put up a strong fight towards the legislation of abortion? Give women a right to choose is what I say. It may not be morally correct, but it is what it is! Why give up on this fight now? Let your voice be heard in the ballot. And by the way…the most moronic argument I’ve heard so far against the constitution is that “Just because abortion is happening, doesn’t mean we make it legal. Just because bank robberies happen, doesn’t mean we make bank robberies legal”. YOU THINK????

GAY RIGHTS

Before you think I ‘swing that way’ let me state upfront that I play for the team with different equipment! The politicians say we are making a constitution for the generations to come. Lets face it people, as things stand NOW, the number of gays and lesbians in our country is huge. Yet, we choose to take a moral high ground and assume that they don’t exist! Well…THEY DO! Guys in the coast have been doing the bendover in the open for years. Why make gays and lesbian sound like some secret mythical society out to destroy the world? I honestly don’t give a hoot what another man like up his rear end. I don’t care what objects he is down for. I do however care, that he gets his right to insert a coke bottle if he so chooses! Besides, if we make it legal, can you imagine the number of tourists who’d come to Kenya on a gay honeymoon? And guys, think of the lesbian women who on holiday would want to experiment with a third party. All said, I agree with Eminem when he says “theirs no reason why a man and another cant elope”!

KADHI’S COURTS

How and why again is this contentious? My ‘Committee of Ex-f**ks‘ interviewed twenty Christians and none of them could pick out exactly where a Kadhi’s court in Kenya is located! So again I ask… why is it contentious?

MAKMENDE

My sources reliably inform me that Kenyans wanted ‘Makmenday’ to be a public holiday and a national symbol! Politicians are not telling us the truth. They fear that this man spoken of in soft tones and in dark corners will eclipse them. I demand that the government calls me as Makmende’s representative and personal assistant, so that we can negotiate. I believe there is still time and that ‘Makmende’ is a contentious issue in the draft constitution. I suggest that parliament bows to the demands of the people and immediately reconvenes to insert a ‘makmende’ clause. Things are beginning to look rather grim. Who do you think inserted the words “NATIONAL SECURITY” in the draft published by the AG? It was Makmende…but do not tell anyone!

My dear fellow Kenyans, it is decision time again. I however think that we assume that a new constitutional dispensation is the “Be all, end all” of all our problems. FACT is, if we can not obey simple traffic rules, if we can not obey building codes, if we still find it easier to drink, drive and bribe rather than take a taxi…then how on earth will we adopt an entirely new set of laws? A change in minds and attitudes is what is first needed. As someone once said… ‘Do not first start by asking if we’ve got human rights. Start by asking if we’ve got the right humans’. My question… do we have the right kind of people in Kenya? Well… I still insist, lets first rename our country Eyjafjallajokull!

The above was not written by greatrnk and the views contained, especially the crossed ones are not necessarily those shared by greatrnk. Please let me know, using decent language, how you are going to vote (GREAT OR RNK, I mean GREEN OR RED) in the comments section.

THE DAY’S:
Quote: The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.

Big Tune: Alicia Keys featuring Jimmy Cozier – Mr. Man.

Hero/Zero: bee – I just realized that most of the people I know whose names start with the letter B are very Proud and she is no different. Do I know her that well? RED! Is she a good person and friend? GREEN!

The Stock Market: Types of Stocks

I love the market. It is my work, my play and my life – Rene Rivkin

I came to love Sidney Sheldon because his English was simple to understand and I needed not have a dictionary to go through his novels. The same cannot be said about Ngugi Wa Thiong’o (who is more African then Sidney). Plus I have other reasons to hate Ngugi including he is outright ugly. It was my wish today to write about an informative topic. However, I realised that half of us will find it difficult to grasp the very important concepts so I felt the need to first of all come up with a preface, then my later blogs will contain the table of contents, acknowledgments, introduction and so on and so forth. This is to make sure you reduce your visits to google and thus slightly reduce the chances of you continuing hating me (I am sure you have other reasons including I am hot) as I have come to hate Ngugi. Here is my first episode to a long series whose season one I would like to call The Stock Market.

The stock or capital stock of a business entity represents the original capital paid into or invested in the business by its founders. It is an instrument that signifies an ownership position (called equity) in a corporation, and represents a claim on its proportional share in the corporation’s assets and profits. The stock of a business is divided into shares. If a business has 100 shares, each share is 1% of the stock. Used in plural, stocks is often used as a synonym for shares even though it ought to be used only when referring to stock of more than one company.

Types of Stocks.
1.Common Shares are securities representing equity ownership in a corporation, providing voting rights (of the company’s board of directors, corporate objectives and policy, stock splits etc), and entitling the holder to a share of the company’s success through dividends and/or capital appreciation. In the event of bankruptcy, common share investors receive their funds after preferred share holders, bondholders, creditors etc. However, overtime, common shares perform better than bonds or preferred shares.

2.Preferred/Preference Shares/Preferreds is a capital share that provides a specific dividend- that does not fluctuate thus limiting appreciation-that is paid before any dividends are paid to common share holders, and which take precedence over common stock in the event of a liquidation. However, preferred shareholders do not have voting rights. The four types of preferred stock are: cumulative (dividends accrue in the event that the issuer does not make timely dividend payments); Non-cumulative (opposite of cumulative); Participating (The holder receives dividends equal to the normally specified rate that preference dividends receive as well as an additional dividend based on some predetermined condition); and convertible (can be converted into a fixed number of common shares, usually anytime after a predetermined date.)

Others are:

3.Outstanding Shares/Shares Outstanding are the shares of a corporation’s stock that have been issued and are held by investors, including restricted shares (see below) owned by the company’s officers and insiders,as well as those held by the public. This number is shown on a company’s balance sheet under the heading ‘capital Stock.’

4.Treasury Shares/Reacquired Shares is stock which is bought back by the issuing company, reducing the number of outstanding stock in the open market (including insiders’ holding). Stock repurchases are used as tax-efficient method to put cash into shareholders’ hands rather than pay dividends. Companies will also do this when they feel their stock is undervalued on the open market. This is advantageous to shareholders (because it reduces the number of share outstanding). However, if it is done to improve financial ratios eg EPS or P/E, then it is detrimental to the shareholders. These shares are not used in calculating the above ratios, do not pay dividends and have no voting rights.

5.Authorised Shares/Shares Authorised is the maximum number of shares that a company can issue. This number (usually higher than those actually issued) is specified in the company’s articles of association but can be changed by shareholder approval.
Shares Authorised = Shares Issued + Shares Unissued
Shares Issued = Shares Outstanding + Treasury Shares

6.Restricted Shares/Letter Stock are given to employees by companies but they are not transferable until certain conditions have been met eg continued employment during a period of time. Sometimes insiders (employees) are given restricted shares after merger and acquisition activity, underwriting activity, and affiliate ownership in order to prevent premature selling that might adversely affect the company.

7.Concentrated Stock is an equity making up more than 30% of the investor’s portfolio. The reasons for keeping a concentrated stock may be restrictions for sale (as in the case of restricted shares), emotional attachment, donation, inheritance, stock options etc.

8.Golden Share is a nominal share which is able to outvote all other shares in certain circumstances, often held by a Government Organisation, in a parastatal undergoing the process of privatisation and transformation into a stock company.

Let me have your comments on the Stock Market. Is it a profitable venture?

THE DAY’S

Quote: In this business if you’re good, you’re right six times out of ten. You’re never going to be right nine times out of ten – Peter Lynch.

Cool Blog: The Trot and The Run – A great review of Ngugi Wa Thiong’o’s book Wizard of The Crow has been done by Chiira, almost making Ngugi look like a genius. A good sound system can make bad music bearable, me thinks.

Hero/Zero: Tall Guy ATT at almost its best. Will tell you as it is and will not give a hoot of the consequence. Great great guy, will probably make a great investor in the future.

Natural

A true poet does not bother to be poetical. Nor does a nursery gardener scent his roses – Jean Cocteau

The following is a poem from __lon’s draft__. Mad talent, and the style is just out of this world. And this is not his best work (according to me) but I promise to bring you more of his work when I will feel like.

NATURAL

Where are you from stranger
And you have traces of craters Sank in your eyes, still
Pupils hanging on the whites of mountain peaks
Worlds locked in those staring sockets
As if not to blink the view away

Indeed, where has thy soul been swimming
Titanic ocean
And you are lipstick-colored still
What has thy heart been kissing
What that mouth tasted
Shores and beaches of Red seas

What have you been drinking stranger
Now that you stagger like a fire flame
Natural liquor, hot lava, ash and magma cocktails
Beads of sweat cascading down your brow, still
Rain drizzling down thy nostrils
From which cliff is that waterfall
Toes and nails in that polish-green
From running in my meadows and
Clawing through my jungle

But sir,
Observing the earth’s facial features
I Walked on her face
Sorry for the spots I left on the escarpment
I might have stared too hard
My jaws dropped somewhere in the valley
And I lost all teeth (will the molar grow to an oak tree?)
Sir….Sir?

___lon’s draft___

THE DAY’S

Quote: With all the fornication, lies, hatred, abuses and other sins i dare not mention that I have committed, I have to be on the right side with the church and so I will vote ‘NO’ – Kimut.

Definition: Alcoholic: Someone you hate who can out do you in drinking – Chiira.

Hero/Zero:  mich Very Nice, Good, Smart girl whom few understand. That is just how she wants to live her life……enough said

Int or Duction

You may admire a girl’s curves on the first introduction, but the second meeting shows up new angles – Mae West

My first post. yeeeeeeeeeeeh! When my crazy good friend chiira asked me to check out his blog, The Trot and the run, it was in the initial stages and I did not know what the hell he was disturbing me for to make of it. Several months later, my eyes fell in love with and liked what they saw on The Trot and the Run and I could not believe I had not seen the potential of this guy when I interacted with him (mainly because we only talked about his drinking and smoking sprees at campus and how chelsea/manchester united would win the league.) I immediately thought it a wise idea to copy his idea and start writing a blog. You will notice that I have heavily borrowed his style, even though He is miles ahead plus more experienced than me and I consider him as my mentor/role model someone I will learn from for me to be a pro like him. After all, Ciara just copied her style from Aaliya, Jaheim copied his from Lurther Vandross. The two are doing well while the people they copied their styles from are rotting in hell dead. Is it not to say I will do better since the guy that inspired me to do this isht is still alive?

I have always had a thing for writing and talking until my brightest brain cells were assassinated in campus by Bowers, Broverman and F. W. Scott.* If you ask my friends what they think of me, majority who do not know me well will tell you he is a quiet person. The other few who know me will look at the others in horror, almost as if some blasphemous words have been uttered and ask which greatrnk they are referring to. “This annoying little prick quiet looking hot cool guy is not as quiet as you think!” They will promptly say. I have always had something to say but no forum to say it. I think I just found me a forum.

In this forum, I will write about anything that I want whether you like it or not, that is least of my problems. However, most of my posts will be on investment, football, soap opera updates…..(not), my take on various issues, reviews (my reviews) on books, albums, movies etc, poems (especially from one __lons draft__), interesting writings I have come across and spiritual matters too. At the end of every post will be stupid things I have thought or heard during the week. After going through several posts, you will come to learn a few basic rules e.g do not read the crossed words especially if you are under-age or your name appears in a radius of about 100 characters from the crossed words. Make a point of always reading the crossed words. There is more truth in them than the entire post. I will also include a hero friend who has influenced my current lifetime. That means if you influenced my previous lifetime, you do not qualify.

Enough of the int or duction introduction, I am tired of typing anyway.

THE DAY’S
Quote: Success is directly proportional to the number of haterz one currently has.

Big Tune: Brook Hogan – Love you, hate you.

Hero/Zero: cmb prezzo – Not Ngechu but close as anyone can get. The cmb stood for lots of things depending on how you disliked him: Chapo Mbili Beans, Cash Money BrotherB***hes etc. Back in campus, he had any electrical appliance imaginable. the refrigerator was under his bed for those of you who never saw it. Generally a great guy with more haterz than he knows, most of whom do not even know him well. Did me a great favour once, I will remain indebted.

*Authors of very tough actuarial books.