So I had an altercation with Mr.greatrnk (what does the R,N and K mean btw?) and I swore I’ll never talk to him till I push daises. Then out of the blue he allows me to guest blog on his space and I’m like he is the bestest friend in the whole wide world. Instead of replying, I ran around telling anybody who would listen. When they asked what happened to me never talking to him again, I told them it was not this greatrnk but another one. But I guess the blog description will sell me out! The cool thing is that he told me to write about anything under the sun. Here goes nothing…
Big Girls Don’t Cry
You have always been corpulent (they do not say fat anymore) for as long as you can remember. When you were young you were considered cute by people around you. Then you grew up and quickly discovered how others have a lofty disdain for people who are fat. They associate it with gluttony, laziness or less intelligence than the average person.
You see how they look at you when you go out for pizza. Some even make hurtful remarks behind your back knowing full well you can her them.
“Kwani she is still buying food na vile amenona?”
You quickly realize that you can no longer eat out like you used to. It’s even worse when the media bombards you every day with images of skinny women. They use them to advertise everything from toothpaste to car batteries. You have to contend with people making fun of you at school, at work and yes even church. You can’t remember the last time you used the mirror as you are afraid to witness how much pounds have piled on. You have since thrown away all the scales in the house because they don’t read what you want to see.
But nothing hurts as much as when your own family members who are supposed to be your support system inadvertently tell you hurtful things about your weight. Some even go to the extent of trying to ration food for you in the house which makes you crave for even more. They even offer unsolicited advice on how to lose weight. If only they knew how many times you have tried without success to lose the extra pounds.
They do not know about the weight loss pills you are hiding in your closet. They do not know about the magazine cut outs you have in your wallet claiming to have found a sure fire way on how to quickly lose weight. You even promise yourself the next time your doctor proffers you another brochure on how your weight is unhealthy you will cut his heart out with a rusty knife. It’s not like you are not already filled with angst over your ever increasing weight without being reminded left right and center.
You cannot even go to the gym because you can’t bear the looks you will get in the changing rooms. You love swimming but can’t go anymore because of all the looks you will get at the pool. They do not know how many times you have tried to make yourself throw up and sometimes starve yourself if only to lose even an eight of a pound. They don’t know how you feel like a failure for being unable to resist junk food and shed off the extra pounds.
At first you pretend that you do not care that people see you as an overweight person. In your circle of friends you are the funniest person; always making them laugh so that they do not notice how miserable you are in your own skin. You have hid it so well that no one knows you are struggling with losing weight. In fact you make fat jokes about yourself so that others don’t have to. You beat them to the punch so that it doesn’t hurt as much.
You are nice to people and let them walk all over you because you believe it’s the only way you can make friends. When you go out with your gaggle of girlfriends, you are the bag lady or designated driver since you are afraid of interacting with the men. Your work is to hold your girlfriends hair at the back while they puke and make sure they are not whisked away by dubious characters from the dance floor and their kidneys sold in the black market.
Most of the time you hide behind over-sized clothes to try and cover your curves. The clothes available in your size are not age appropriate, are ugly and most of the time not really flattering. You then continue to eat more food for comfort as it the only thing that is always there for you. Food has seen you through break ups, heart breaks, pain and rejection from people you thought cared about you.
Your boudoir is the busiest conveyor belt of all kinds of strange men. You offer sex to men who love your sugar shack but have no time for your feelings all the time as you have convinced yourself there is nothing about you worth loving. At least, you reason, the empty and meaningless sex will help you keep them coming back for a little while longer. You know, seeing as you rarely get attention from the opposite sex. And when you do, they offer lame ass compliments like “you are cute for a fat girl” or “you are beautiful on the inside” and you are like wtf? But it doesn’t really matter because even if they did offer you a compliment that is appropriate you wouldn’t believe them either.
Slowly you begin to hate your self and find new ways to self destruct. If you are not sleeping with anyone who is offering, you are gorging yourself with more unhealthy food swathed in artery-clogging cholesterol and saturated fats. I mean life can’t get any worse than it already is. It takes all energy inside of you to just to get up in the morning. You have even resigned yourself to a life of loneliness and pain. Why even bother? You say!
Do not let all these lies ruin your life baby girl. You are beautiful both on the inside and outside no matter what size you are. If only you could stop believing all the lies that you have been fed throughout your whole life. There is nothing wrong with you and in God’s eyes you are perfect. Do not let men use you to empty their balls. You will meet Mr. Right if only you will stop wasting your time with these people who love your pink Cadillac but have no time for your beautiful heart. Your dream man will come along and he will love you just the way you are.
Mr. Too-damn-good will love how you tuck your legs under you on the couch when you are reading your favorite books. He will love how you lift your skirt when you are walking to stop it from dragging on the floor. He will love how you put your hands on your hips when you are asking a question. He will think its cute how you wipe your wet hands on your leso after washing the dishes. He will laugh at the funny face you make when you are putting on make up. He will think it is cute how you smack your lips when you put on lipstick and pat your hair (read weave) before leaving the house. He will love how your voluptuous yansh sways when you are wearing your sexy heels. He will love how you smooth your skirt when you sit down or how you cross your arms when you are grilling him.
In the mean time love yourself so much, that others can’t help but love you too. Tell yourself positive things even if you do not believe it yourself. Keeping doing it over and over, do it until you start to actually believe them. Associate with people who inspire and challenge you. Stay away for the pessimists who are miserable and project on you for no apparent reason to make themselves feel better. Now square your shoulders and keep your head up. Wipe your tears because big girls don’t cry.
Lose weight if you must; but do it for you and no one else. Do all the things that you have on your bucket list. Work on your character and on improving your self so that when he comes he will find a whole person not someone needing rescuing. Let others complement you and be the icing on your cake but not the whole damn unga. And baby girl you are enough and don’t let anyone tell you different.
If anyone puts you down call me and I will beat the lumps out them. Alright…I kid…I joke… I’m a lover not a fighter. Lol.
About the Author: Jaber3000 is a teacher by profession, a great writer and blogger with a big heart like a water melon. She is crazy in a good way. Proof that she is crazy and awesome all in one can be found on her blog Telling it like it is, not like it was.
Read the first paragraph then run back here … So back in the day jaber3000 and I were bffs. Then things just went to the dogs. Half a year later, I asked her to be a guest here. A week after I asked, there was still no reply and I knew it was never going to happen. One day when I was busy doing nothing but basically minding my own business, she replied, sounded excited and sent me a post that same day. And happy I was. The busy person that I am in nothing-doing, I took a whole week before reading the post. Imagine the shock on my face when I read the first paragraph I asked you to go read.