Visit to Morgue A Dish You


Poorly secured nuclear material in the former Soviet Union, or secrets from a scientist in Pakistan could help build a bomb that detonates in Paris. The poppies in Afghanistan become the heroin in Berlin. The poverty and violence in Somalia breeds the terror of tomorrow (in Kenya) – Barrack Obama. (parenthesis mine)

A few months ago, my mom did a huge favour for me and (as I suspected), it was so that I could do her a bigger favour. The next day, being a Sunday, I was to accompany her to Garissa Lodge after church. I accepted, not because of the favour she had done but because I am a good son like that! I must add that this was when the kadhi courts were still a contentious issue in the then proposed constitution that was passed when Kenya Decided. This was before the grenades of Uhuru Park or before the Kampala bombings. I think a ship had just been hijacked by the Somali dimwits aka pirates.

The first thing that hit me when I alighted from the mat at sixth street was the bad polluted air. I quickly forgave multi talented dancer, singer, child molester M.J for coming to a certain African country and covering his nose just after smelling the beautiful air at the airport. We walked the entire sixth street without hearing Kiswahili, the National language. The language that is spoken here is Somali and/or spitting! It is then that I knew we were in kenya’s Somali capital Mogadishu Eastleigh!

At the other end of sixth Street, I saw the first traders of Kenyan origin. I was so happy I would have bought something from them, only that they were selling fake belts (Trust Kenyans to be mischievous like that!) and NO, I am not buying fake things, not even from my brother! Oh, well, I could if the person selling is a hot girl and she gives me her number…..could (but I will have to throw away the fake things all the same). One thing is certain in Eastleigh is that if you are a Kenyan of Kenyan origin, you DO NOT FEEL AS A MINORITY, YOU DAMN ARE!! 9/10 of the population is either made up of Somalis of Kenyan origin or Somalis of Somali origin (and there is no way to tell the bloody difference!)

Every building is a mall or an upcoming one, with an Arabic name. There is a rumour that Eistleigh makes more money than the CBD. Even if the rumour is not true, the heavy presence of funny banks in the area confirms that it is not far off. The first bank I see is the Gulf African Bank. Then Dubai Bank. (FYI, there are only two Dubai Banks in Kenya. One in Eastleigh and the other one in the CBD). I spot something like Community Bank (do not be fooled by the name, it is an Arabic bank!) After much walking, I finally spot Cooperative Bank of Kenya. This was like the greatest discovery since Sir Albert Einstein discovered The Law of Gravity (You are a fool if you read that line without taking note that it was Newton who discovered gravity and Einstein was not a sir, but you get the drift, dont you?) When I saw Kenya Commercial Bank, I finally convinced myself that I was in Kenya!

My mom and I parted ways temporarily and we agreed that we would meet outside Co-op Bank. I decided to get a hair cut (I still do not know what I was thinking. Hair cut in a foreign land???) I located a kinyozi that looked classy and stepped in. The barbers were non Somalis (of whatever origin) but as I was being shaved, the owner (a Somali) came to take some money and made sure we knew she was the owner by the abusive (broken Swahili) language she used towards the barbers. I made sure the barbers put enough spirit on the machine like three times before they began anything on me! Prevention is better than cure and in some cases, the only cure!

After the hair cut, I went to wait for mom at the Co-op Bank. While at Co-op Bank, some scuffle had people running for cover and I have never been scared my whole life. Men, this is Somaliland and anything can happen! I immediately thought BOMB and my brain could not download the BAD MAM (Bombs And other Disaster Management & Action Manual!) I temporarily saw parts of my life flash before me in slow mo, and that is when I knew I was going to die another day. I always know that if your whole life flashes in a sec, know that is the last 3D movie you are watching! Just as I was coming to my senses, suddenly my brain got an Einstein moment: “Get Down,” it said. I then realised that it is kids who were running but I could have sworn I saw adults running.

Mom called. A little hesitation before picking the phone because my phone is expensive, uninsured and half of these people look like Osama bin Laden! My mom was at Co-op Bank, I was not! ‘What do you mean? I am here,’ I tried to explain……..just before I realised Co-op Bank was nowhere in sight and I had no idea where I was! I must have ran when the scuffle erupted, but I do not remember that part. I start looking for Co-op Bank and I easily spot mom. Its easy when every woman has a veil and mom does not! She confirms that there was a scuffle a few minutes ago.

As we head home, I realise I have not seen a church. I look every direction and spot two churches. The huge one must be Catholic, I say to myself. As we alight, I thank God for the beautiful fresh air that I normally take for granted and buy a bar of chocolate for my mom, whom I also thank God for!

THE DAY’S

Disclaimer:

This post was inspired by two hot girls who discovered that I “do not do personal posts and ishts“. Here is to them. An apology to another hot girl who found this post offensive. If you find anything offensive, please let me know at greatrnk@gmail.com or @greatrnk. I do not promise not to write an offensive post, but I might apologise.

The reason why there are no photos is simply because I am sure some terrorist hiding in the area would not take it too kindly if a random stranger starts taking photos of the building he is living in!

Quote: Introducing ‘Lite’: the new way to spell ‘Light’; but with twenty per cent fewer letters – Jerry Seinfield.

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5 thoughts on “Visit to Morgue A Dish You

  1. hahahaha….you should drive thro that road. Pipo(thieves) keep hitting ur side mirror so that u roll down ur side window. Woe unto u if they distract you enaf for them to open the door and pick ur mobile fon nicely laid on the car dashboard or somewhere. It happened to me once. They only stole an head phone.

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