El Fifa del World Cup

We talk about how this World Cup is an opportunity for South Africa and for the continent to put out a positive message – Alexi Lalas

Ignore the heading………all my headings.

I do not like the above quote by Alexi. So who the makmende is he? He was the first American to play in the Serie A (like our own Mariga) but he never won anything (unlike our very own Mariga who helped Inter win CL, yet he is African). His team, Padova, finished last in the 1994-95 season. I do not like the way whites who have never been to Africa portray us. If it is the continent’s opportunity to put out a positive message, it means the continent is in the negative? You land to any European/American Airport and you say you are Kenyan and chances are that two of the first three questions will be: Do you run? Are you living near a lion? Let me warn any person out there, if you ever ask me those two questions, you will discover that my fists will be eager to make contact with your face until a reddish liquid is released from your white, now reddish/pinkish or bluish skin. Yes, Africa has its ups and downs, but America/Europe is not without downs that are lower than Africa’s. Look at the oil spill, the debts of countries like Japan, Greece and Portugal etc.

Having said that, I move to the day’s topic.

Finally, the first World Cup in Africa.

I know you know what you need to know about the World Cup. More info can be found on The Trot and the run or here. I will instead focus on how stupid some people sound when they ask questions about Africa. These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website by foreigners around the World and were answered by the website owner.

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa ? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town – can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, its only two thousand kilometers take lots of water…

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa ? ( Sweden )
A: So its true what they say about Swedes…

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa ? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffreys Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not…oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and well send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is….oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa ? ( France )
A: No, WE don t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere where a significant number of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa ? ( Germany )
A: Not yet, but for you, well import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can di spense rattlesnake serum.( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will probably still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to ‘speek’ English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Incase you get lost in South Africa, do not ask stupid Questions about the place, here is a map, hehe.

What team are you supporting at the World Cup? Which team do you think will win it? Place your vote. May Brazil, I mean the best team win!!!

Finally, you can follow all the World Cup updates live here.


3 thoughts on “El Fifa del World Cup

  1. Pingback: The Worst of The Greatrnk « The Greatrnk

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