Guest Post: If My Laptop Could Talk

By Savvy Kenya

{These are not my thoughts but Z’s. My laptop told me to write this and I did}

Hi, my name is Z. Pronounced Zee/Zi. I was bought in the summer of 2009 (I’m just saying summer to sound cool, there is no such season in Kenya). I am black, slim and sexy. Well, in comparison to other HP laptops, you see, I’m a HP 550.

I was called Z after two animation characters, the first one being Z the failed ex-expert surfer in Surf’s Up, and the second is Z the Ant from the animation Antz which featured J.Lo’s voice.

Savvy loves me very much. I am never a few meters away from her most of the time. I know how she hates to lend me to people, I don’t like it either. I know one time she let me be used by this person who picked their nose and continued typing like nothing happened! No, I didn’t tell Savvy about it but I was annoyed as hell.

So I know you are dying to ask me questions like has Savvy ever stored porn in your secret areas? Do I have any hidden folders?

Okay, let me be honest. I do have a few hidden folders, but they are system folders! And I’ve never stored any porn in my hard drives, except maybe that students clip, and I wouldn’t classify that as porn! The worst it has ever come to is Spartacus. I didn’t mind displaying that on my screen for all viewers!

I was bought with Windows XP but thank God Savvy never got into the Vista madness. I couldn’t handle Vista’s demands for RAM, I only have 1GB you see and an Intel Celeron processor. However, when Savvy acquired a pirated copy of Windows 7 last year, it was just perfect for me and I was happy to be formatted and currently no one can complain my performance.

I am embarrassed (not!) to say that none of my software is paid for. Paying for software is like paying for sex… just thinking out loud.

There was a time I had issues of blacking out. No, I don’t drink, or take drugs. It was battery issues. Fortunately, I was still under warranty so my battery was replaced.

There are many things I could tell you about Savvy, the number of posts/poems/documents/assignments/projects that she has done using me is amazing. Let’s not forget the pictures, music, videos, movies, series that she put in my hard drives. I finally couldn’t take it anymore and asked her to get an external hard drive. I was becoming a dummy, just storing everything and anything. Now most of what I have is important stuff.

My biggest fear is that Savvy will replace me with a sexy Mac laptop. I’m not worried that she spends a lot of time on that Ideos phone of hers, there are many things I can do better than that phone. However, a Mac is real competition. As much as I wish for Savvy to be wealthy, I’m worried I’ll be left to gather dust in a corner somewhere, with only her brothers using me for FIFA 08 whenever they are home for the weekend.

THE DAY’S

Appreciation: I am very grateful to Savvy Kenya for doing this post. It is more like Christiano Ronaldo agreeing to do a testimonial match for Mike Okoth at Nyayo Stadium. She is a great writer, has met Rwanda’s President Paul Kagame, is a Leopards fan and most of all, reads (and loves) most (if not all) my posts. Do check her (better than mine) work on her website and read her interview.

Definition: Birth Certificate (noun): The only certificate you receive after other people’s efforts.

Quote: Teacher: Construct a sentence using the word ‘shy’. Student: Balidi iripozidi, Mwarimu alikunywa shy moto na idathi – Jared Kidambi.