Every bad boy was once good till he met a bad girl who had been a good girl till she met a bad boy who had been a good boy till he met a bad girl….
It is said that a great
Nigger story always starts with “ Nigger, you will not believe this issht!” A vintage greatrnk story will most likely start with one day I was busy doing nothing and basically minding my own business when I was brought to the attention of a blog post by deestinguished titled ‘To All Nice Guys who Only Make the Best Friends List!’ My good conscience could not allow me to read that post because the title itself tells you this post discriminates against the weak (nice guys) in the society and I would have none of it. A few hours later, Diasporadical posted ‘Because Good Men Exist‘ and I thought someone had spoken for the ‘weak!’ How wrong I was!
I got someone – who knows my limits well – to read out the post by deestinguished (after I saw her comment on DR that she had written something similar) so that he could tell me the contents – At least the things that will not make him spend a few cold nights in a mortuary and thereafter, eternity in a 6 foot hole as a result of my anger. The post basically calls the nice guys stupid (but in a diplomatic and nice way) for among other things that include “escorting their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never taking advantage once they’re at her door!” It was a sad day in the kingdom of Nice Guys! DR on the other hand argued from another point of view. “Everyone thinks men are up to no good. Especially women,” he said, before adding this paragraph:
“It makes things very complicated for people in relationships when everything they say or do can and will be used against them in a court of love. You can’t buy her a gift because you’ll be covering something up. You can’t not buy her something cause you’re neglecting her. You can’t talk about other women because you may be cheating. You can’t not talk about other women because you may be cheating. You can’t pick up a phone call from an ex who’s now married with 10 kids because she’s an ex and that may mean something. And you can’t not pick up because she’s an ex and that may also mean something……In many cases, a good guy can’t get a girl if he tries. He has to come with a Certificate of Authenticity, a Warranty and several signatory stamps of approval!”
It is then that I wept for the nice guy and decided to do something about it. I had to talk for the weak. Unfortunately, there was nothing to talk about. The only solution available if you are nice/good is to join the bad guys, and as you will see, it is not hard if you follow some of these rules below:
Switch to the best option: Being Bad!!!
1. Stop listening to gay boy band music such as Crapstreet boys, Wastelife, N (
Toilet) Sink and this other stupid chick called Bustin Jieber. That is the reason you are nice in the first place! Somehow get yourself to forget the lyrics of the songs of the above artists, even if it means getting yourself into an accident that will make you suffer from selective amnesia. Replace your music library with John Legend or James Blunt. Here is why. “I don’t have a fancy car, to get to you I’ll walk a thousand miles” is crap by crapshit goats telling her YOU ARE A BROKE NIGGER!!! On the other hand, look at the following lyrics by John Legend:
- You can’t say I don’t love you, just because I cheat on you….
- You’ve been my best friend can we put this to bed then, tonight’s the night to cross the line…
- I know we just met but baby could u love me quickly…
2. Get an ego or buy one at whatever cost! The bigger, the better!
3. Know how to use your phone. At no time should there be two missed calls from you on a chick’s phone. If she refuses to pick, thou shalt not call again until the time that it will deem her fit to call. No Please Call Me texts on your girlfriend’s phone even if she is the current president and you are a beggar and you have just pick pocketed your first mobile phone!
4. If you accidentally find your come-we-stay-girlfriend/wife watching a soap or a Nigerian movie (I am assuming you know it is illegal for a guy to watch), you have two options: If you belong to the “We-
effing-have-it-all class”, get a bottle of your (unopened) most expensive wine that she knows you like and smash the screen with it. Then call Sony/JVC and ask them to deliver a bigger plasma screen TV in the morning. If you belong to the “Have-some class”, go to the local and come back either after midnight or when you get her 10th missed call, whichever comes last.
I know some people now hate me but girls have proved time and time again that being nice will not pay. You have to be mean, so lets focus on the goal!
5. Roll out with the baddest (I know that is not good English) guys. If they do drugs, good, if one of them has a crime record, perfect!
6. Do not care to remember birthdays of female friends. If you have a girlfriend, make sure that in a year, you “forget” at least one of the following: Her Birthday, Valentines day and your anniversary (sic). You should not remember the stupid anniversaries (the first argument, the first time you were rained on together, the first time you ‘rescued’ her by killing a spider in her apartment etc)
7. Any attempt at blackmail should be reciprocated by you leaving the room and not forgetting to slam the door.
If She Plays You Like Agnes aka OMG: Do not wait to hear her explanation or apology. It is simply over. Instead, start working on the revenge. The revenge should be so bad that any attempted revenge by her should seem like a new born punching Mike Tyson! If it does not include you and all her best friends starting with the one who is hotter than her, then it is not revenge, at least not yet!
Disclaimer: I do not mind if you judge me by this post or not. If you have not, that is good of/for you; if you have, we all know you have bigger problems ahead. Judging is a sin punishable by burning in hell for life!
Quote: Some things are better left unsaid … like those times you criticize me.